WAP

Economics Explained

2009-07-17T11:26:00.000+02:00

It is June, 2009 in a little town in Northern California.

It is raining, and the tiny town looks totally deserted.

It is tough times, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a $100.00 bill on the reception counter and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the $100.00 bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the $100.00 bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the $100.00 bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed.

The supplier of feed store takes the $100.00 bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute. (Who, in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit).

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the $100.00 bill to the hotel proprietor for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the $100.00 bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

The rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his $100.00 bill, saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with great optimism.

Julius Caesar

2008-08-11T14:20:00.003+02:00

Life Is 10% What You Make It And 90% How You Take It.- Julius Caesar

Discover the 90/10 Principle.

2008-07-25T15:18:00.000+02:00

It will change your life (at least the way you react to situations).
What is this principle? 10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react.
What does this mean? We really have no control over 10% of what happens to us.
We cannot stop the car from breaking down. The plane will be late arriving, which throws our whole schedule off. A driver may cut us off in traffic.
We have no control over this 10%. The other 90% is different. You determine the other 90%.
How? ……….By your reaction.
You cannot control a red light. but you can control your reaction. Don't let people fool you; YOU can control how you react.
Let's use an example.
You are eating breakfast with your family. Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just happened.
What happens next will be determined by how you react.
You curse.
You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the cup over. She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticize her for placing the cup too close to the edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt. Back downstairs, you find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus.
Your spouse must leave immediately for work. You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school. Because you are late, you drive 40 miles an hour in a 30 mph speed limit.
After a 15-minute delay and throwing $60 traffic fine away, you arrive at school. Your daughter runs into the building without saying goodbye. After arriving at the office 20 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase. Your day has started terrible. As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to coming home.
When you arrive home, you find small wedge in your relationship with your spouse and daughter.
Why? …. Because of how you reacted in the morning.
Why did you have a bad day?
A) Did the coffee cause it?
B) Did your daughter cause it?
C) Did the policeman cause it?
D) Did you cause it?
The answer is “D".
You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day.
Here is what could have and should have happened.
Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is about to cry. You gently say, "Its ok honey, you just need to be more careful next time". Grabbing a towel you rush upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase, you come back down in time to look through the window and see your child getting on the bus. She turns and waves. You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good the day you are having.
Notice the difference?
Two different scenarios. Both started the same. Both ended different.
Why?
Because of how you REACTED.
You really do not have any control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% was determined by your reaction.
Here are some ways to apply the 90/10 principle. If someone says something negative about you, don't be a sponge. Let the attack roll off like water on glass. You don't have to let the negative comment affect you!
React properly and it will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing a friend, being fired, getting stressed out etc.
How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic? Do you lose your temper? Pound on the steering wheel? A friend of mine had the steering wheel fall off) Do you curse? Does your blood pressure skyrocket? Do you try and bump them?
WHO CARES if you arrive ten seconds later at work? Why let the cars ruin your drive?
Remember the 90/10 principle, and do not worry about it.
You are told you lost your job.
Why lose sleep and get irritated? It will work out. Use your worrying energy and time into finding another job.
The plane is late; it is going to mangle your schedule for the day. Why take outpour frustration on the flight attendant? She has no control over what is going on.
Use your time to study, get to know the other passenger. Why get stressed out? It will just make things worse.
Now you know the 90-10 principle. Apply it and you will be amazed at the results. You will lose nothing if you try it. The 90-10 principle is incredible. Very few know and apply this principle.
The result?
Millions of people are suffering from undeserved stress, trials, problems and heartache. We all must understand and apply the 90/10 principle.
It CAN change your life!!!

NEW JOB TITLES IN THE NEW SOUTH AFRICA in preparation for 2010!!!

2008-06-19T11:38:00.001+02:00

Murderer : Population Stabilizer
Orphan : Independent Youngster
Beggar : Financial Gatherer
Cleaner : Hygiene Specialist
Rapist : Senior Practitioner in Sexual Practices
Gardener : Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist
House Maid : Family Environs Upkeep Manager
Receptionist :Front Office Manager/Office Access Control Specialist
Messenger : Business Communications Conveyer
Window Cleaner : Transparent Wall Technician
Temporary Teacher :Associate Tutor
Tealady : Refreshment Overseer
Garbage Collector : Public Sanitation Technician
Watchman/security : Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer or
Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer
Prostitute : Practical Sexual Relations Officer
Thief : Wealth Distribution Officer
Driver : Automobile Propulsion Specialist
Maid : Domestic Operations Specialist
Employee without Portfolio : Administration Manager
Cook : Food Preparation Officer

Do Not Forget:
Unemployed :Township Management
Gossiping :Research Management

The Buffalo Theory of Intelligence

2008-06-10T17:40:00.002+02:00

In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first . This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

2008-06-10T12:00:00.002+02:00

1. The sex was so good, even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
4. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
5. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
6. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
9. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
10. To all you virgins - thanks for nothing.
11. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12. All men are idiots - I married their king.
13. How can I be overdrawn - I still have cheques.
14. Life's a buffet - so eat me!
15. Out of my mind - back in 5 minutes.
16. Keep honking - I'm reloading.
17. Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
18. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
19. Sometimes I wake up grumpy- other times I let her sleep.
20. A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
21. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
22. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
23. I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
24. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
25. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
26. Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
27. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
28. Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
29. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
30. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot

2008-04-24T11:09:00.000+02:00

Being Twenty-something - they call it the "Quarter-life Crisis"

2008-03-04T18:15:00.000+02:00

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing
that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not
like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or
two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those
friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the
greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch
with are some of the most important ones.

What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and
aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as
confused as you.

You look at your job ... and it is not even close to what you thought
you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing
that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger.

You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than
usual suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your
life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is
acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next,
secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone
and scared and confused.

Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past
with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and
further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or
move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do
such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet
anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better.

Or maybe you love someone but they love someone else too and cannot
figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a
bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap.

Getting wasted and acting like an idiot doesn't seem as fun.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk
with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to
make a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for
yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd
just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as
we can to figure this whole thing out.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath away."

It's really amazing when two strangers become the best of friends, but
it is really sad when the best of friends become two strangers.

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning

2008-03-04T18:06:00.001+02:00

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,"For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear- asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm going to say this once....I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET !!!!"

A LONG LONG TIME AGO

2007-11-14T11:26:00.000+02:00

One time, couple span jares ago, there was this one member rite. N e
way, this oke was like one top o xse ! This bra yer had one lukka vrou too
rite. Was his bullies favourite lity too. But his bullie was an operator also
rite, this bullie had 4 vrous xse ! He had one lity from each vrou too.
His one vrou chune the bullie he must send this bra away for 14 years
Other wise there will be speeches with him and her rite.

The bully chune orite sharp. He chune this bra he mus vy way from the
porsie. But his one lity bru chune, fock dat xse, he want to vy too.
So this bra, his vrou and his lity bru chune kick it.
Now they were blying in a different section and this one roti o
gangster check this bra vrou. He chune she is lukka and he wants her.
You knor how these roti o's get when they see porridge stekkies.

This ganster o too had nor style so he tried to hash this bras vrou man!
This bra and his bru chune fock nor xse ! you karn dalla a move like dat!
you knor who we are xse ? I chop you one time !
They vied met up with one two other bras and vied to optel the Roti o's!
They vied xse, Focked the roti o's solid ! Those roti o's nevr knew what
hit them ! These brus and their other porridge bra's hit these okes once,
they fell twice xse !

N e way after the speeches this bra, his vrou and bru chune vy porsie !
All the other porridge o's were so happy that the roti okes gort focked up,
They chune they must have one jol !

Big jol they had xse, fireworks burfee, chuna makaj the works xse !

After that every year the okes have the same JOL.
They call it Diwali xse

FAMILY PROBLEMS

2007-11-14T01:42:00.000+02:00

Hear dis out Two men met at a bus stop downtown Durban CBD and struck
up a rather interesting conversation. Now it appears dat one of them
kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said:
"ekse larnie you chooning dis way dat way and thinking you have family
problems? Now take a good listen to my situation and all. A few years
ago, I met a young widow stekkie from chassies with a lukka grown-up
daughter and we got buckled.
Later on my ballie married my step daughter. Now u see dat made my
stepdaughter my step ma and my ballie became my stepson. Also, my vrou
became mother in-law of her father-in-law. "Then the daughter of my
vrou, my stepma, had a lighty. This boy was my half-bru because he was
my ballies lighty, but he was also the lighty of my vrou's daughter
which made him my vrou's grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my
half-bru. "This was nothing until my vrou and I had a lighty of our own
too. Now the half-sister of my lighty, my stepma, is also the
grandmother. This makes my ballie the brother-in-law of my child, whose
stepsister is my ballie's vrou, I'm my stepma's brother-in-law, my vrou
is her own child's aunt, my lighty is my ballies's nephew and I'm my own
grandfather!

Hella man what a thing and what you were chooning again about u having
family problems and all!"

2007-11-01T01:28:00.000+02:00

Steven Wright

2007-11-01T00:20:00.000+02:00

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous guy who once said, "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates!"

His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals. Here are some of his Deep Thoughts:

01 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
02 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
03 - Half the people you know are below average.
04 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
05 - 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
06 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
07 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
08 - If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
09 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her some friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal

2007-09-04T01:51:00.000+02:00

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Mafia, Don

2007-08-03T11:18:00.000+02:00

Mafia, Don (the dawg) Naidoo (Real name Dhanarajen) is
dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
"9 boy, now I want u to listen to me nicely, ok. I want you to take
my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don't like guns and all; what about you leaving
me your Rolex watch instead."

"You listen to me nicely 9, some day you gonna be running da
business, you gonna have a beautiful stekkie for a wife, lotsa money,
a big posie and maybe a couple of nine boys too and some day you
gonna come to ur posie and maybe find your stekkie in bed with
another man.

What'chaa gonna do eh, eh? Point to your watch and choon da maamoo
"HEY Maadhir - TIME'S UP?"

Two Hour Delay

2007-07-11T10:24:00.000+02:00

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!

And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your low-income asses in the train, cause we are going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,
but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you .We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She then hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are piss***ed off about the TWO HOUR delay,
please see the bi****tc in the kitchen."

2007-07-11T10:16:00.000+02:00

Five Don'ts when sleeping

2007-07-06T10:44:00.000+02:00

1 DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH
Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed
for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health.

2 DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA
Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have
a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it.

3 DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE
Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mobile phone near you, switch it off first.

4 DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP
People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.

5 DON'T SLEEP WITH SOMEONES' WIFE / HUSBAND
You may never wake up again.

Interview on the Radio

2007-06-05T00:13:00.000+02:00

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day
and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning
guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta
love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is
a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female
broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to
sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery,
and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Rabbit and the Lion

2007-05-29T02:37:00.000+02:00

A rabbit was hopping through the forest when he came upon a giraffe rolling a joint The rabbit said, "giraffe, don't do drugs. Come run with me through the forest." the giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the joint.
He dropped the joint and ran off with the rabbit.
They came upon an elephant snorting cocaine. The rabbit said, "elephant, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest." the elephant looked at his razor blade and mirror,t ossed them away and began running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then came across a lion about to shoot up.
The rabbit said, "lion, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest."
The lion looked at the rabbit and then at the needle. He put down the needle and started to beat up the rabbit.
Horrified, the giraffe and elephant asked, "lion, why are you doing this? He was trying to help you."
The lion answered, "this little f***er? He makes me run around the forest like a f***ing idiot every time he's on ecstasy."

Bowling bowling Bowling...

2007-05-15T04:44:00.000+02:00

Hey Guys... Thanks For The Great Nite Out Bowling ,, Was Really Fun Meeting everyone.
ZoeY And Saf, Hats Of To u Guys For Organizing It.
Asad and Zoe, Shot for The Massages. Its Wat Kept Me Going..
R, Saf, Zoe, Asad Thanks For The Bowling Tips...C It Paid Off..
Waseem, Joe, Shiraz.. Was Nice Meeting U Guys for The 1st Time.
Dew.. Its been a Lng Time, but U Havnt Changd a Bit... :)
Laila, Next Tym Im Going To Throw The Water On u.
Mj, MaHoezo, Phantom, Hmm... No Comment...lol.. Tops Boys..
Mohsina.... U still fyting Wid Me??
MaHoezo... Ur a dead Man For starting That neo Crap Again..
Wonder If Every1 Knows Wat Mazozo Meanz...
Shahista.. Hope u Enjoyed Ur birthday..

We Gota do This Agian.. hint Saf/Zoe
& Mohsina is also a gud Organizer.. My suggestion... Horse Ridding/Cnt Skate To Save My Life..
Thankz Guys .

A HELL OF AN ANSWER

2007-05-14T03:03:00.000+02:00

The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool chemistry final exam.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate

at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

AIG

2007-05-08T08:38:00.000+02:00

Beauty On Mothers Day

2007-05-04T09:18:00.000+02:00

Mothers Day Gift Package

Full Body Massage, Deep Cleanse
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V

2007-04-30T03:15:00.000+02:00

Viola! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.

well Mohsina has come up with her own V Tune

viola V ...verily i am verbose and find this varied text rather vain.

vafrous u are rite now...venial i will not be!

venerous i think u r....

are u in venditation as u travel with velociousness ?

with vespoid movement i will turn u vert, slowly u will vesuviate.

don't u know that i am : Vicereine ???

videtur, u dont! viscidly virid with viricide am i!

my vizard veils my vanity .....

Cancel your credit cards before you die

2007-04-30T03:12:00.000+02:00

This sounds like as good advice as don't rent a casket when you die. It's not just the government... Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: "So what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."
(Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

A wonderful Message by George Carlin

2007-04-25T09:05:00.000+02:00

George Carlin is an American comedian. He is known to be a Little foul-mouthed and it is fascinating that after the death of his wife and 9-11 he would write the following.

A wonderful Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but
we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one
night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Relationships…

2007-04-19T02:26:00.000+02:00

Relationships…

In love and life don't ever play games. If you love someone, TELL them,
if you don't, TELL them. The human heart is a very complex thing in that
it makes us do the strangest things when it reaches a point of desperation
especially when we are hurting. I'm sure many of us have reached that
point where we find ourselves attacking the competition "in the name of
LOVE" even attacking the object of your affection.

At the end of it all, relationships, whether friendships or romance, need
two elements to survive - COMMUNICATION and COMPROMISE and it needs
another two elements two fall apart - PRIDE AND STUPIDITY.

Too proud to say I'm sorry, too proud to say I'm hurting, too proud to say
I'm feeling a little insecure. And so stupid, stupid enough to let them go
because you think they will be back, stupid enough not to tell them that
you love them because you think they will stick around longer if you play
hard to get, stupid enough not to answer their calls when you have a fight
because you want to make them hurt and you want to teach them a lesson
they'll never forget. Watch out you are not the one who learns a lesson.
If it's worth a great person walking out of your life, possibly for good,
then by all means knock yourself out.

But don't cry when that person never calls again, or finds solace in
another's arms, or throws themselves off a twenty story building because
the pain you were causing them was too much to bear.

Don't cry when a beautiful relationship is broken and can't be fixed
because YOU chose to play games instead of laying your cards on the table
and working it out. Say exactly what you feel and ask exactly what you
want to know. No matter how STUPID you sound. At least you will know
exactly where you stand.

And even if after you've poured your heart and it still doesn't work out,
you will be at peace because you know you did your best on your part.
Your conscience will be clear and you will move on knowing that you
didn't go down without a fight.

Loving someone is not a game.

People are not pyramids; you can't go off on your own selfish trip and
expect to find them in the exact same spot you left them weeks ago. If
you don't take care of your partners needs when they need you to, what
guarantee do you have that somebody else won't.

So when you find your partner in your best friend's arms or hear they are
getting married to someone you thought was just a "rebound trip" after you
let them go without a fight:

Don't cry, 'cause while you were busy playing games.......

SOMEBODY ELSE WASN'T

Do you think petrol is expensive?

2007-04-18T11:25:00.000+02:00

Diet Coke 100ml @ R2.80 = R28.00 per litre

Lipton Ice Tea 200ml @ R3.50 = R17..50 per litre

Amstel 750ml @ R9.50 = R12.60 per litre

Energade 250ml @ R3.00 = R12.00 per litre

Brake Fluid 100ml @ R6.00 = R60.00 per litre

Vick's Nasal Sprayl 50ml @ R9.00 = R180.00 per litre

Hugo Boss Spray 50ml @ R225.00 = R4500.00 per litre

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 500ml @ R15.00 = R30.00! R30.00 for WATER!

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't
run on Water, Coke, or Vick's Nasal Spray!!!
Just a little humour to help ease the pain of your next trip to
the pump...

International Council of Manhood

2007-04-11T16:49:00.001+02:00

Rules of Being a Man

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

18: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

20: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

?GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say, "Roll over, fatty, you're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood

Men Are Just Happier People

2007-04-11T16:46:00.001+02:00

Men Are Just Happier People - What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £2000. Tux hire- £100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Consultancy

2007-04-11T03:15:00.000+02:00

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a

difference for an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new
restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our
order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a
little strange. When the busboy brought our water and
utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt
pocket. Then looked around saw that all the staff had
spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I
asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners
hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded
that the spoon was the most frequently dropped
utensil. It represents a drop frequency of
approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our
personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the
number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15
man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was
able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another
spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making
an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all
the waiters had the same string hanging from their
flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter

"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that
string right there?

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not
everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I
mentioned also found out that we could save time in
the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you

know what, we can pull it out without touching it and

eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the
time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "don't know about the others, but
I use the spoon."

TWO DAYS IN A WEEK

2007-04-10T13:13:00.000+02:00

"There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two
days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension. One of these
days is Yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders,
its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All
the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We cannot undo a
single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said.
Yesterday is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow, with its possible
adversities, its burdens, its large promise, and poor performance.
Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow's sun will rise,
either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds; but it will rise. Until it
does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is as yet unborn. This leaves
only one day: Today.

Anyone can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I
add the burdens of those two awful eternities -Yesterday and Tomorrow -
that we break down. It is not the experience of Today that drives us mad,
it is remorse and bitterness for something which happened Yesterday and
the dread of what Tomorrow may bring. Let us therefore, live this one full
Today."

True ghost story from Soweto

2007-04-10T13:12:00.001+02:00

A man was hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling by and there was hardly a car on the road. The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him.
Suddenly a car came towards him and stopped. Without thinking, he got in and closed the door,just to realize that there was nobody behind the steering wheel. The car moved off slowly. He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road.
Scared, he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified. Just before hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel. The man, now paralysed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve.
Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights he could see. Wet and in shock, he went into a shebeen and asked for Black-Label. After drinking it, he told everyone of the horrible experience he just had. Everyone was silent when they realized he was crying.
About half an hour later, two men came walking into the shebeen and, on seeing the terrified man, the one said to the other, "Look, Mfowetu (my bra), that's the idiot that got into the car while we were pushing it".

Thank You...

2007-04-10T10:04:00.001+02:00

A special Thank You to Asad and Mohsina for The Jacket.
It looks really nice.

Well, I never knew that !!!!

2007-03-29T10:05:00.000+02:00

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history:-
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "Goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.

Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them, "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.

"Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it..........

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amazing huh?

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

Famous quotes on Sex

2007-03-28T14:16:00.000+02:00

My girlfriend always laughs during sex --no matter what she's reading.
Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen

Lord, grant me chastity and continence... but not yet.
St. Augustine

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
Tom Clancy

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Steve Martin

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
Lynn Lavner

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
George Burns

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
George Burns

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships
Sharon Stone

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Dustin Hoffman

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.
Jerry Seinfeld

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

My family never raised me to have a vagina.
Roseanne

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Aldous Huxley

Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
George Carlin

Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.
Mark Twain

One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.
Jane Austen

Sex concentrates on what is on the outside of the individual. It's funny because I think it's better inside.
Alex Walsh

When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
Frederike Ryder

2007-03-28T14:01:00.000+02:00

Tagged by Zoe,Saf & R

2007-03-26T15:31:00.000+02:00

What are The 5 things ppl dont knw about me?
hmm... really hard to say, There are alot of things ppl dont no about me.
Well i Asked a friend (mohsina) to help me discribe my self to u guys.
so r,zoe & saf, here are somtings you guys didnt know.

here u go...
im
amorous,loquacious,eccentric,frivolous,free-spirit,spontaneous
adventurous,intellectual,influential,Mystifying,Elusive,Contemporary,abstract,
conceited(mo Thinks so, but im not)
oh and then she added
"a chicken , dont like quad bikes" so not true
"loves good food and fine wine that ages like woman" lol
"party animal" maby at times.. but i knw my limits
"emulates qualities of a leader , def not a follower"

yea so finally iv keptd my promise to you all..
well nw lets c wat zoe,r,saf and all other friends think.

To My Friends

2007-03-09T11:37:00.001+02:00

To My Friends Who Are...........
Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you.
But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it.
Love can make you happy but often it hurts, but love's only special when
you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and
choose the best.

To My Friends Who Are............NOT SO SINGLE
Love isn't about becoming somebody else's 'perfect person.' It's about
finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be.

To My Friends Who Are............PLAYBOY/GIRL TYPE
Never say 'I love you' if you don't care. Never talk about feelings if
they aren't there. Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart. Never
look in the eye when all you do is lie. The cruelest thing a guy can do to
a girl is to let her fall in love when he doesn't intend to catch her fall
and it works both ways...

To My Friends Who Are............MARRIED
Love is not about 'it's your fault', but 'I'm sorry.' Not 'where are you',
but 'I'm right here.' Not 'how could you', but 'I understand.' Not 'I wish
you were', but 'I'm thankful you are.'

To My Friends Who Are............ENGAGED
The true measure of compatibility is not the years spent together but how
good you are for each other.

To My Friends Who Are............HEARTBROKEN
Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to
go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from
them.

To My Friends Who Are............NAIVE
How to be in love: Fall but don't stumble, be consistent but not too
persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand,
and get hurt but never keep the pain.

To My Friends Who Are............POSSESSIVE
It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else but
it's more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.

To My Friends Who Are............AFRAID TO CONFESS
Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts even more when someone
breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has
no idea how you feel.

To My Friends Who Are............STILL HOLDING ON
A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love, only to
find out in the end that it was never meant to be and that you have wasted
years on someone who wasn't worth it. If he isn't worth it now he's not
going to be worth it a year or 10 years from now Let go.....

TO ALL MY FRIENDS.......

My wish for you is a man/women whose love is honest, strong, mature,
never-changing, uplifting, protective, encouraging, rewarding and unselfish.

Indian Technology

2007-03-06T13:35:00.000+02:00

After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Russian
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came
to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network
one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American
scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US
scientists have found traces of 2000 year old
>optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already
had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the
Russians."

One week later, the Indian newspapers reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 500 metres, Indian scientists have found
absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their
ancestors were already using wireless technology."

JoZi LULLaBy

2007-03-01T15:12:00.000+02:00

Hush my laaitie don't you cry
Daddy's gonna steal you a GTi,
And if that GTi don't Torque
Another GTi, I will stalk.
And if the stalking don't go to well
Daddy's gonna steal you a Caravelle
And if that Caravelle makes some tricks
Daddy's gonna jack you a VR6.
And if that VR6 won't fly
Daddy's gonna knock a BM from a Sandton guy.
And if that BM's sound is kwaai
Da Lenz cherries will go with you to elke braai!
And if the cops ask why ?
Daddy will buy the docket from a Police spy!
And if all these things still make you cry

Then you're not my laaitie
..... your mom told me a lie !!

Crime definitely pays!

2007-02-20T09:18:00.000+02:00

Question: "What is the influence of crime on the S.A. Govt?"

Answer: Crime generates millions and millions of Rand's for the S.A. Govt

Here are the facts:

Example 1:

Take just one million home owners in Gauteng who pay for "armed crime reaction" (not crime prevention) where private security companies react AFTER the crime has taken place - no wonder they never make any arrests!

This service costs on average R250 p.m. Therefore 1 000,000 x R240.00 X 12 months x 14% VAT, generates R403 million in tax revenue for the S.A. Govt!

Example 2:

A car thief steals a R500,000 car and receives between R10,000 and R30,000 for his deed.

The car owner is paid out by insurance and then purchases another similar vehicle, on which he pays 14% VAT of approx R70,000 as a direct result of crime. Who profited the most? The thief or the S.A.Govt?

We must begin with a mechanism whereby the S.A. Govt is forced to reconsider this unconstitutional and immoral practice of profiting from crime!

All South Africans should demand that all payments related to protection of life and property should be VAT free and Tax deductible!

This principle should also apply to replacement of stolen property as well as estate duty. If a person dies as a result of crime we should also demand that estate duty not be paid. How much do you think the S.A. Govt has made out of estate duty from the murders of 1300 South African farmers?

The S.A. Govt likes to compare us to overseas. Well overseas your safety and security is covered by your income tax and is tax deductible!

It is time that South Africans stood together and made the Govt and public aware of the Govt's "income" from crime. In the meantime crime is the goose that lays the golden egg
Is it also not unreasonable to expect victims of violence and hijackings to pay their own medical costs? The Govt should pay for these expenses as well as family counselling for victims!

Come on South Africa, ask the right questions and demand the right answers!

Question ?

2007-01-30T11:30:00.000+02:00

If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, he man pulled a gun and asked
for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15..

LoL.. Can U Charge Him For This?

Idiots of 2006

2007-01-29T12:15:00.000+02:00

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this
woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring
her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at
the end of the conversation happened to mention that she
gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill
the ants.I told her that she better bring her daughter
into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked
into the branch and wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give
his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had
seen him write the note and might call the police before
he reached the teller's window. So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to the
Wells Fa rgo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line,
he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and,surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a
Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have
to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said,
"OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read
it anyway.

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed
trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed
his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40
and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the
police department a photograph of $40. Several days later,
he received a letter from the police that contained another
picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in
his $40.

Smart, but you still get a sign

Number Four Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun
and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber
saw a bottle of Scotch that hewanted behind the counter
on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag
as well, but the cashier refused and said,"Because I don't
believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to give it to him because she
didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the
clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man
was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the
name and address of the robber that he got off the
license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

Idiot Number Five of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop
nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted,
"Nobody move!" When his partner moved,
the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

GUTS OR BALLS

2007-01-18T11:14:00.000+02:00

Guys we've all heard about having "guts" or "balls",
but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for
each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with
the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and
having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with
the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on
your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having
the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

important Lessons

2007-01-16T11:20:00.000+02:00

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The
wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob
says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in
the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to
the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It
was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about
the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in
a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest
nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his
hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at
the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie
says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." Me first!
Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world." Puff! She's gone. Me next! Me next!" says
the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's
gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I
also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered:
"Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why
don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey
pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

BullSh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a
large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by
and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay
there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how
warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to
sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird d singing
and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your
friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

30 Funniest Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

2007-01-11T16:11:00.000+02:00

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.

To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

Top 10 Greatest Impostors in History

2007-01-11T16:04:00.000+02:00

Victor Lustig, the man who sold the Eiffel Tower

Victor Lustig (1890-1947) is held to have been
one of the most talented confidence tricksters
who ever lived. Lustig's first con involved selling
a $30,000 money-printing machine that didn't worked well.

In 1925, Lustig's master con began when he was reading a newspaper: an article discussed the problems the city was having maintaining the Eiffel Tower. So he adopted the persona of a government official, and sent six scrap metal dealers an invitation to discuss a possible business deal.

Lustig told the group that the upkeep on the Eiffel Tower was so outrageous that the city could not maintain it any longer, and wanted to sell it for scrap. So he sold the Eiffel Tower to one of the scrap metal dealers and took a train to Vienna with the suitcase full of cash. The buyer was too humiliated to complain to the police.

Later, Lustig convinced Al Capone to invest $40,000 in a stock deal. Lustig kept Capone's money in a safe deposit box for two months, then returned it to him, claiming that the deal had fallen through. Impressed with Lustig's integrity, Capone gave him $5,000. It was, of course, all that Lustig was after.

On 1907, Lustig arrived to the United States and conducted a number of scams, but eventually his luck ran out: he was arrested for counterfeiting and sent to Alcatraz prison.

Frank Abagnale, catch me if you can

Frank William Abagnale, Jr. (born April 27, 1948) was an impostor for five years in the 1960s. His first con was writing checks on his own overdrawn account. Then he printed out his own, almost perfect copies of checks. He also collected over US$40,000 by printing his account number on blank bank deposit slips and added them to the stack of real blank slips in the bank.

For a period of two years, Abagnale masqueraded as Pan Am pilot "Frank Williams", to get free rides around the world by dead heading on scheduled airline flights. Later, he impersonated a pediatrician for 11 months in a Georgia hospital under the name "Frank Williams". He also forged a Harvard University Law diploma, passed the bar exam of Louisiana and got a job at the office of the State Attorney General of Louisiana.

Over 5 years he worked under 8 identities, though he used many more to cash checks, and passed bad checks worth over $2,5 million in 26 countries. The money was used for a lifestyle in which he dated flight attendants, ate at expensive restaurants, bought expensive clothing, and prepared for his next con.

The movie "Catch Me If You Can" is loosely based on his exploits. He currently runs Abagnale and Associates, a financial fraud consultancy company.

Christopher Rocancourt, the french Rockefeller

Christophe Thierry Rocancourt (1967-) is an impostor and con artist who scammed affluent people by masquerading as a French member of the Rockefeller family.

His mother worked as a prostitute and his father was an alcoholic who took Christophe to an orphanage when the boy was 5. He ran away and made his way to Paris where he pulled his first big con: faking the deed to a property he didn't own, then "selling" the property for $1,4 million.

Making his way to the United States, Rocancourt used at least a dozen aliases. In Los Angeles, he pretended to be a movie producer, boxing champion or venture capitalist. He dropped names like "his mother" Sophia Loren or "his uncles" Oscar de la Renta and Dino de Laurentiis and was associated with various celebrities. He married Playboy model Pía Reyes; they had a son, Zeus. He lived for a time with Mickey Rourke.

In Canada, Rocancourt wrote an autobiography in which he ridiculed his victims. In March 2002 he was extradited to New York. He pled guilty to 3 of 11 different charges including theft, grand larceny, smuggling, bribery and perjury. He estimated that he "made" at least $40 million.

Ferdinand Demara, the Great Impostor

Ferdinand Waldo Demara (1921-1982), known as "the Great Impostor", masqueraded as many people from monks to surgeons to prison wardens.

He joined the U.S. Army in 1941 and began his new lives by borrowing the name of his army buddy Anthony Ignolia and went AWOL. He then faked his suicide and borrowed another name, Robert Linton French, and became a religiously-oriented psychologist. Both Navy and Army caught him eventually and he served 18 months in prison.

A string of pseudo-academic careers followed. He was, among other things, a civil engineer, a sheriff's deputy, an assistant prison warden, a doctor of applied psychology, a hospital orderly, a lawyer, a child-care expert, a Benedictine monk, a Trappist monk, an editor, a cancer researcher, and a teacher. One teaching job led to a six months in prison. He never seemed to get much monetary gain in what he was doing - just temporary respectability.

His most famous exploit was to masquerade as surgeon Joseph Cyr about HMCS Cayuga, a Canadian Navy destroyer, during the Korean War. He managed to improvise successful surgeries and fend off infection with generous amounts of penicillin. This worked until the mother of the real Dr. Joseph Cyr found out and reported it.

Demara returned to the U.S., inspired the 1960 film "The Great Imposter", and died on 1982 as a Baptist minister.

David Hampton, less than Six Degrees of Separation from Sidney Poitier

David Hampton (1964-2003) was an African-American con artist. Unable to gain entry at Studio 54, Hampton assumed the identity of Sidney Poitier's son and was suddenly ushered in as celebrity.

Hampton began employing the persona of "David Poitier" to cadge free meals in restaurants. He then persuaded at least a dozen people into letting him stay with them in their homes or to give him money, including Melanie Griffith, Gary Sinise, and Calvin Klein. He told some of them that he was a friend of their children, some that he had just missed his plane to Los Angeles and that all his luggage was on it, some that his belongings had been stolen.

On 1983, Hampton was arrested and convicted for his frauds and was ordered to pay restitution of $4,490 to his various victims. His story became the inspiration for a play and later a movie, titled "Six Degrees of Separation". David Hampton died of AIDS-related complications in 2003.

Milli Vanilli, the pop duo who couldn't sing

Milli Vanilli was a pop vocal duo composed of Fab Morvan and Rob Pilatus that formed in Germany in the mid-1980s.

Milli Vanilli started to grow worldwide as of 1988 and won the Grammy Award for Best New Artist on 1990. But in the same year, during a 'live' performance recorded by MTV at the Lake Compounce theme park in Connecticut, the recording of the song "Girl You Know It's True" jammed and began to skip, resulting in one of the most embarrassing moments in popular music history.

So the truth was revealed: the Milli Vanilli sound was actually created by Frank Farian featuring the vocal talents of other singers, and Morvan and Pilatus did not sing at all on the records.

After this, the Grammy Award they received was stripped from them, and at least 26 different lawsuits were filed under various U.S. consumer fraud protection laws against Pilatus, Morvan and Arista Records.

Cassie Chadwick, the illegitimate daughter of Andrew Carnegie

Cassie Chadwick (1857-1907) is the most famous name of a Canadian woman born as Elizabeth Bigley. At the age of 22 she was arrested in Woodstock, Ontario for forgery but released on grounds of insanity. In 1882 she married Wallace Springsteen in Cleveland, Ohio; her husband threw her out eleven days later when he found out about her past. In Cleveland, she married a Dr. Chadwick.

In 1897, Cassie began her largest, most successful con game: that of establishing herself as Andrew Carnegie's daughter. She faked a promissory note of $2 million with Carnegie's signature. The information leaked to the financial markets in northern Ohio, and banks begun to offer their services. For the next eight years she used this fake background to obtain loans that eventually totaled between $10 and 20 million.

When Carnegie was later asked about her, he denied ever knowing her: the scheme collapsed, she was arrested and the trial was a media circus. She died in jail.

Mary Baker, the Princess Caraboo from the island of Javasu

On 1817, a cobbler in England, met an apparently disoriented young woman with exotic clothes who was speaking a language no one could understand. Locals brought many foreigners who tried to find out what strange language the lady was talking, until a Portuguese sailor "translated" her story: she was Princess Caraboo from the island of Javasu in the Indian Ocean. She had been captured by pirates, then jumped overboard in the Bristol Channel and swam ashore.

For the next ten weeks, this representative of exotic royalty was a favourite of the local dignataries. She used a bow and arrow, fenced, swam naked and prayed to God, whom she termed Allah Tallah. She acquired exotic clothing and a portrait made of her was reproduced in local newspapers.

Eventually the truth came out: she was actually a cobbler's daughter, Mary Baker, from Devon. She had been a servant girl in various places all over England but had not found a place to stay. She had invented a fictitious language out of imaginary and gypsy words and created an exotic character.

She continued her role in the USA, France and Spain without the same luck. Her story was the basis of the 1994 movie "Princess Caraboo", written by John Wells.

Wilhelm Voigt, the amusing Captain of Köpenick

Wilhelm Voigt (1849-1922) was a German impostor who masqueraded as a Prussian military officer in 1906 and became famous as the Captain of Köpenick.

On 1906 he had purchased parts of used captain's uniforms and, once in Köpenick, he went to the local army barracks, stopped four grenadiers and a sergeant on their way back to barracks and told them to come with him. Indoctrinated to obey officers without question, they followed.

He had the town secretary Rosenkranz and Mayor Georg Langerhans arrested for suspicions of crooked bookkeeping and confiscated 4000 marks and 70 pfennigs - with a receipt, of course. Then he commandeered two carriages and told the grenadiers to take the Mayor and the treasurer Wiltberg to Berlin to General Moltke for interrogation. He told the remaining guards to stand in their places for half an hour and then left for the train station. In the train he changed to civilian clothes and slipped out.

Voigt was arrested and sentenced to four years in prison for forgery, impersonating an officer and wrongful imprisonment. However, much of the public opinion was on his side. German Kaiser Wilhelm II pardoned him on 1908. There are some claims that even the Kaiser had been amused by the incident.

George Psalmanazar, the first Formosan to visit Europe

George Psalmanazar (1679-1763) claimed to be the first Formosan to visit Europe. He appeared in Northern Europe, around the year 1700. He looked European but claimed he came from the faraway island of Formosa, followed a foreign calendar and worshipped the Sun and the Moon.

Psalmanazar published a book An Historical and Geographical Description of Formosa, an Island subject to the Emperor of Japan which revealed a number of strange habits. Formosa was a prosperous country of wealth with capital city called Xternetsa. Men walked naked except for a gold or silver plate to cover their privates. Their main food was a serpent that they hunt with branches. Formosans were polygamous and the husband had a right to eat their wives for infidelity. They executed murderers by hanging them upside down and shooting them full of arrows. Annually they sacrificed the hearts of 18,000 young boys to gods and priests ate the bodies. They also used horses and camels for mass transportation. The book also described the Formosan alphabet.

The book was rather successful. He lectured on Formosan culture and language and pretended to translate religious literature into Formosan. The Bishop of London supported him. He spoke before the Royal Society. Eventually, he grew tired of the deception: in 1706 he confessed, first to friends and then in public.

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

2007-01-10T15:28:00.000+02:00

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle,
when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the
mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some
items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly
picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and
proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the
students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into
the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students
responded' with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under
the table and poured the entire contents into the jar
effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things--your family, your
children, your health, your friends and your favourite
passions---and if everything else was lost and only they
remained,your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job,
your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put
the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room
for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you
will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will
always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take
care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may
seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

This Year's Idiots Awards

2007-01-08T15:37:00.001+02:00

In case you haven't received them yet, here are this year's
Idiots Awards - the annual honor given to the person who
improved the "gene pool" the most by killing themselves in
the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition
this year has been keen.

And the candidates this year are . . .

* In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two
feet of water after squeezing head first through an
18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

* A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran,"--accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high
cliff on his daily run.

* Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burglarising.Death was caused when the long flashlight he
had placed in his mouth(to keep his hands free) rammed into the
base of his skull as he hit the floor.

* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville as he
won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver
loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

HONOURABLE MENTION:

* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalised in Andover township, NJ,
and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of
dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around 2 AM , the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the
window to see what would happen,but apparently failed to
notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:

* TACOMA , WA Kerry Bingham had been drinking with
several friends when one of them said they knew a person
who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated
and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge
at 4:30 AM .
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered
that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had
continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil
of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was
secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to
the bridge.His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened
and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived
his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two
nearby fishermen.
"All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching
out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation
for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER :

* Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt
(Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22
doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm
finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200
pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting
to give th ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the
relieved beast unloaded on him.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation
knocked Mr.Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his
head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued
to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted
Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. '
With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung
for atleast an hour before a watchman came along, and during
that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those
freak accidents that proves that
"Sh*t happens!*

90-year-old man

2007-01-04T08:46:00.001+02:00

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup. The doctor
asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an
eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a child.

What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment, then said,
"Well, let me tell you a story.
I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for
hunting.But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he
accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near
a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some brush in front
of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and
squeezes the handle.
BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone
else must have shot that lion."

"Exactly"... Said the Doc

Best Wishes For 2007

2006-12-11T14:20:00.000+02:00

May your good health be confirmed by your dentist, gastro-endocrinologist,
urologist, gynaecologist, psychologist, optician, fortune-teller,
and may your physiotherapist, chiropractor, therapist,
Witch-doctor and your slimming clinic tell you
that you don't have to come anymore.
May your doctor know where to start
and may your masseuse know where to stop.
May your salary, your housing subsidy,
the contents of your house and all your shares increase in value,
and may your blood pressure, weight, house loan,
tax and cholesterol all decrease.
May all your friends remember you and
may the taxman forget you exist.
May hijackers, car thieves and rapists overlook you and may your
loved ones always see you.
May your walls be too high for the neighbourhood's thieves
but low enough for you to hop over when you have forgotten your keys.
May you have an honest government
and a dishonest beauty therapist.
May you have an intelligent President
and a fool for a TV license checker.
Lastly may the brewery never close their doors
Merry Christmas and a Happy NEW
YEAR

LETTER TO TRUWORTHS

2006-12-07T16:20:00.000+02:00

The ffg is an actual letter writen to TRUWORTHS by a customer

Dear Sir/Madam

I hereby wish to acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 1 May in which for the third time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to know that by no means do I dispute my debt to your company and reconfirm my intend to make good on the debt as soon as possible. It is not as if I have been unwilling – in fact I have just been unable to pay you at the rate I would have liked to, due to the personal circumstances elaborated upon herein-under.

Firstly, on a point of correction, allow me to bring to your attention the fact that my details are recorded incorrectly on your database. You have incorrectly addressed me as Ms, whereas I am Mr. I cannot recall having had a sex-change operation, neither do I plan to. Although I can understand why you would make a mistake of that nature, simply because the perfume I bought was a ladies’ Issey Miyake, does not justify you referring to me as a woman. If you can make a mistake of that nature, Lord knows whether the amount alleged to be owed is not inflated. To that effect, please send me a detailed statement indicated all the cost included and the justification for the so-called interest and administration fees. To my knowledge, I have not borrowed money from you to be charged interest, neither do I expect you to administer my account as I know that I owe you R670.00 for the perfume I bought for my girlfriend. In any case, our relationship is not as great as it used to be and should it completely break down, I will forward you her details as she is the one enjoying the product derived from your store. Furthermore, it was not my intention to spend such a lot of money for a 50ml bottle of perfume.

Nonetheless, the reason for my correspondence is this - I wish to bring to your attention that you are not the only one I owe money to. I have many more creditors, quite as honourable as you and to whom I even owe many more thousands of rand than the lousy R670.00 owed to you, and whom I wish to reimburse too. That is why, each month, I throw all the names of my creditors into a hat and randomly draw the names of two creditors, whom I hasten to pay immediately. I hope that your name will come out in the next draw at the end of June.

Sincerely Yours,

PS: I regret to inform you that given the cheeky and impolite tone of your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next three draws

The Long Trip Home

2006-12-05T09:10:00.000+02:00

THE LEGENDARY POLO 1.9 TDI
27 April 2006

1 December 2006
The REDESIGNED POLO

Quote

2006-11-28T10:35:00.000+02:00

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it."

The finger...

2006-11-20T16:16:00.000+02:00

Giving the Finger

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of
all captured English soldiers.
Without the middle finger it would be impossible to
draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be
incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree,
and the act of drawing the longbow was known as
"plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major
upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers
at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!
"PLUCK YEW!"

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult
consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a
labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in
conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used
with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as
"giving the bird."

And you thought you knew everything !

These are our rules!

2006-11-17T15:03:00.000+02:00

Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question..

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine....Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Working in the IT industry:

2006-11-17T03:10:00.000+02:00

1.We work weird (night) shifts...
Like prostitutes.

2. They pay you to make the client happy...
Like a prostitute.

3. The client pays a lot of money, but your employer keeps almost
every penny...
Like a prostitute.

4. You are rewarded for fulfilling the client's dreams...
Like a prostitute.

5. Your friends fall apart and you end up hanging out with people
in the same profession as you...
Like a prostitute.

6. When you have to meet the client you always have to be
perfectly groomed...
Like a prostitute.

7. But when you go back home it seems like you are coming back from
hell...
Like a prostitute.

8. The client always wants to pay less but expects incredible
things from you...
Like a prostitute.

9. When people ask you about your job, you have difficulties to
explain it...
Like a prostitute.

10. Everyday when you wake up, you say: "I'm not going to spent the
rest of my life doing this."
Like a prostitute ........

Kulula

2006-11-13T17:02:00.000+02:00

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg.
Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of
your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us
the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

-------o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

-----o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the
Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

>From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 245 to Calgary.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your
face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one
small child, pick your favourite."

---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."

---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants.. Please do not leave children or spouses."

-------o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines
is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---------o0o---

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

----------o0o---

Overheard on an Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really
having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please
remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"

----------o0o---

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
to
the terminal."

---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline.
He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why,
no,
Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o---

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning
bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."

---o0o---

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

---o0o---
Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to
smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can
light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

---o0o---

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The
weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight.
Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOSH!" Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on The intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking
to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!

THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2006

2006-11-09T14:09:00.000+02:00

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she
said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the f reeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right
ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop
gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on
his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was
delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised
his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class
is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the
teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly
says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

Einstein's Riddle!

2006-11-06T12:02:00.000+02:00

There are 5 houses in 5 different colors. In each house lives a person with a different nationality. The 5 owners drink a certain type of beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar, and keep a certain pet. No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar, or drink the same beverage.

The question is: Who owns the fish?

Hints:

The Brit lives in the red house.
The Swede keeps dogs as pets.
The Dane drinks tea.
The green house is on the left of the white house.
The green homeowner drinks coffee.
The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.
The man living in the center house drinks milk.
The Norwegian lives in the first house.
The man who smokes Blend lives next to the one who keeps cats.
The man who keeps the horse lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.
The owner who smokes Bluemaster drinks beer.
The German smokes prince.
The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
The man who smokes Blend has a neighbor who drinks water.

Einstein wrote this riddle early during the 19th century. He said 98% of the world could not solve it. Its not hard, you just need to pay attention and be patient.

Quote

2006-11-06T11:59:00.000+02:00

"War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"

2006-11-02T16:08:00.000+02:00

Here's a prime example of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"
offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado
for an actual class assignment:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a

new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person
will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate
right.

As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a
short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send
another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then
add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending
another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph,
and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the
e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e - mail.
The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been
reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of
the question.

(second paragraph by Gary )

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "
A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
communicator. " Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out
of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt
from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

( Gary )

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks
who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the
congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien
empires who were determined to destroy the human race.
Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships
were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the
entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

( Gary )

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
"Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of
F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who
reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

As*h@le.

( Gary )

B*tch!

(Rebecca)
F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

( Gary )
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one.

my girlfriend

2006-10-09T16:27:00.000+02:00

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Does EVIL exist ?

2006-09-09T14:29:00.000+02:00

A University professor at a well-known institution of higher
learning challenged his students with this question.
"Did God create everything that exists?"

A student bravely replied,"Yes he did!"
"God created everything?" The professor asked.
"Yes sir, he certainly did," the student replied.
The professor answered, "If God created everything;
then God created evil.And, since evil exists, and according
to the principle that our works define who we are, then we
can assume God is evil."

The student became quiet and did not answer the professor's
hypothetical definition.The professor, quite pleased with
himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once
more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said,
"May I ask you a question,professor?"
"Of course", replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"
"What kind of question is this?
Of course it exists.Have you never been cold?"
The other students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact, sir, cold does not exist.
According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in
reality the absence of heat.Every body or object is
susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and
heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy.
Absolute zero (-460 F)is the total absence of heat.
And all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that
temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to
describe how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"
The professor responded, "Of course it does."
The student replied, "Once again you are wrong, sir,
darkness does not exist either.Darkness is in reality the
absence of light.Light we can study, but not darkness.In fact,
we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors
and study the various wavelengths of each color.You cannot
measure darkness.A simple ray of light can break into a world
of darkness and illuminate it.How can you know how dark a
certain space is? You measure the amount of light present.
Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe
what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor,
"Sir, does evil exist?"
Now uncertain, the professor responded,
"Of course, as I have already said.We see it everyday.It is in
the daily examples of man's inhumanity to man.It is in the
multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world.
These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist, sir, or at
least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence
of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has
created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil.
Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's
love present in his heart.It's like the coldthat comes when
there is no heat, or the darkness that comes when there is
no light." The professor sat down.

The young man's name -- Albert Einstein

Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?

2006-09-07T09:48:00.001+02:00

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.

He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

2006-09-06T12:25:00.000+02:00

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!!

Always Remember

2006-08-29T14:35:00.000+02:00

Always remember to forget
The things that made you sad
But never forget to remember
The things that made you glad.

Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue.
But don't forget to remember
Those that have stuck by you.

Always remember to forget
The troubles that have passed away.
But never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day

Bullshit and brilliance

2006-08-29T14:03:00.000+02:00

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

2006-08-14T15:21:00.000+02:00

2006-08-07T13:22:00.000+02:00

DReAm
iS a
fAntAsy
yEt aN
iLlusIon

----------

2006-08-03T10:58:00.000+02:00

BMW

2006-08-03T09:26:00.000+02:00

Audi

2006-08-03T09:24:00.000+02:00

Subaru

2006-08-03T09:23:00.000+02:00

Smoking

2006-08-02T15:08:00.000+02:00

It's weird, but I had two patients today, both were
smokers and both had cancer. I felt so bad for them
and their families. I just wanted to tell you, or
rather, ask you to please stop smoking. It's a filthy
habit and it's not good for you(obviously).

I'm sorry for prying into your private lives, but
after seeing those poor patients today, I'm really on
a mission to get everyone I know, to stop smoking.

take care and please take this email seriously.

Naeem

Italy vs Germany

2006-08-02T09:02:00.000+02:00

Everything Happens for a Reason

2006-08-02T00:46:00.000+02:00

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, they serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be: your roommate, your neighbour,professor,long lost friend, partner or even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you and that the time they seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming these obstacles you would never have realized your potential, strength, will power of heart.

Everything happens for a reason.Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments or true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of the soul.

Without these small tests, if they be events,illnesses or relationships,life would be like smooth paved,straight,flat road to nowhere,safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, successes and downfalls you experience,they are the ones who create who you are.Even the bad experience can be learned from…Those lessons are the hardest and probably the most important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart…forgive them,for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally,not only because they love you,but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them.

Make every day count.Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can , for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people you may never talked to before, and actually listen,let yourself fall in love , break free and sets your sights high.You can make of your life anything you wish.Create your own life and then go out and live it.
Thanks for making difference to my life.

Safiyyah Motala

2006-08-01T12:44:00.000+02:00

Thought Of The Day

2006-07-31T13:09:00.000+02:00

Life is Short, so break the rules...
Forgive quickly,
Believe slowly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And...
Never regret anything that made you smile...
Every Little Smile can touch Somebody's heart

Have a great day....

--------

2006-07-31T11:39:00.000+02:00

cool

2006-07-31T11:35:00.000+02:00

By Zakkiyah

2006-07-28T15:12:00.000+02:00

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
Saying something and wishing you hadn't?, or
Saying nothing and wishing you had?

I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say.Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them.

If you do, they might break your heart......if you don't, you might break theirs.

Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person?

Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't.
You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own........when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you?

Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all.

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?

We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we
don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.

But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.
Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.

Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had.

* What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye?

*What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?

*What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? (even if it is that you don't care anymore)

*What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them?

*What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them?*

People live, but people die. I want to tell you that
you are a friend.

If you died tomorrow (God Forbid)

you would bein my heart.
Would I be in yours?

If you care about me as much as I care about you

you will send this back

You might be best friends one year, pretty good friends the next year, don't talk that often the next, and don't want to talk at all the year after that.

So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life,

I look up to you, respect you, truly cherish you , most of all I CARE about friends

Send this to all your friends, no matter how often you talk, or how close you are, and send it to the person who sent it to you.

Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will.

Remember, everyone needs a friend someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, just remember this e-mail and takecomfort in knowing
somebody out there cares about you and .. always will..

I care about YOU !

Zakkiyah 28/10/2006

Skull

2006-07-28T14:18:00.000+02:00

Caution !

2006-07-28T10:31:00.000+02:00

WHISTLE STOP

2006-07-27T12:07:00.000+02:00

My Dearest Darling

Once upon a time…
Life had led us to a cosy haven
Tucked away from the qualms of reality…

A moment stolen from the hands of time
To which only we can comprehend…
An instant of truth
To which we now call a sweet memory,
Engraved on the core of our minds,
Fixed eternally…

A haven of comfort
Where our curves fall into place and
Lips linger over long, passionate kisses…

A moment where silence has spoken a thousand words
A portrait, which no artist can paint…

A place where despair is unknown…!

Thank you for sharing this beautiful moment with me

YOUR ANGEL

By Mohsina Mia

Love for Soccer

2006-07-21T09:43:00.000+02:00

quote

2006-07-21T09:34:00.000+02:00

"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin

unprotected."

- Red Buttons

world cup

2006-07-20T16:47:00.000+02:00

champions of the world