The Ultimate Rejection Letter

---

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA  34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16.  After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department. 

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. 

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time.  Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August.  I look forward to seeing you then. 

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

The Most Useful Websites and Web Apps

The sites mentioned here, well most of them, solve at least one problem really well and they all have simple web addresses (URLs) that you can easily learn by heart thus saving you a trip to Google.
01. screenr.com – record movies of your desktop and send them straight to YouTube.
02. ctrlq.org/screenshots – for capturing screenshots of web pages on mobile and desktops.
03. goo.gl – shorten long URLs and convert URLs into QR codes.
04. unfurlr.come – find the original URL that’s hiding behind a short URL.
05. qClock – find the local time of a city using a Google Map.
06. copypastecharacter.com – copy special characters that aren’t on your keyboard.
07. postpost.com – a better search engine for twitter.
08. lovelycharts.com – create flowcharts, network diagrams, sitemaps, etc.
09. iconfinder.com – the best place to find icons of all sizes.
10. office.com – download templates, clipart and images for your Office documents.
11. followupthen.com – the easiest way to setup email reminders.
12. jotti.org – scan any suspicious file or email attachment for viruses.
13. wolframalpha.com – gets answers directly without searching   – see more wolfram tips.
14. printwhatyoulike.com – print web pages without the clutter.
15. joliprint.com – reformats news articles and blog content as a newspaper.
16. ctrql.org/rss – a search engine for RSS feeds.
17. e.ggtimer.com – a simple online timer for your daily needs.
18. coralcdn.org – if a site is down due to heavy traffic, try accessing it through coral CDN.
19. random.org – pick random numbers, flip coins, and more.
20. pdfescape.com – lets you can quickly edit PDFs in the browser itself.
21. viewer.zoho.com – Preview PDFs and Presentations directly in the browser.
22. tubemogul.com – simultaneously upload videos to YouTube and other video sites.
23. dabbleboard.com – your virtual whiteboard.
24. scr.im – share you email address online without worrying about spam.
25. spypig.com – now get read receipts for your email.
26. sizeasy.com – visualize and compare the size of any product.
27. myfonts.com/WhatTheFont – quickly determine the font name from an image.
28. google.com/webfonts – a good collection of open source fonts.
29. regex.info – find data hidden in your photographs – see more EXIF tools.
30. livestream.com – broadcast events live over the web, including your desktop screen.
31. iwantmyname.com – helps you search domains across all TLDs.
32. homestyler.com – design from scratch or re-model your home in 3d.
33. join.me – share you screen with anyone over the web.
34. onlineocr.net – recognize text from scanned PDFs – see other OCR tools.
35. flightstats.com – Track flight status at airports worldwide.
36. wetransfer.com – for sharing really big files online.
37. hundredzeros.com – best-sellers that are currently free. More ways to download free Kindle books.
38. polishmywriting.com – check your writing for spelling or grammatical errors.
39. marker.to – easily highlight the important parts of a web page for sharing.
40. typewith.me – work on the same document with multiple people.
41. whichdateworks.com – planning an event? find a date that works for all.
42. everytimezone.com – a less confusing view of the world time zones.
43. gtmetrix.com – the perfect tool for measuring your site performance online.
44. noteflight.com – print music sheets, write your own music online (review).
45. imo.im – chat with your buddies on Skype, Facebook, Google Talk, etc. from one place.
46. translate.google.com – translate web pages, PDFs and Office documents.
47. kleki.com – create paintings and sketches with a wide variety of brushes.
48. similarsites.com – discover new sites that are similar to what you like already.
49. wordle.net – quick summarize long pieces of text with tag clouds.
50. bubbl.us – create mind-maps, brainstorm ideas in the browser.
51. kuler.adobe.com – get color ideas, also extract colors from photographs.
52. liveshare.com – share your photos in an album instantly.
53. lmgtfy.com – when your friends are too lazy to use Google on their own.
54. midomi.com – when you need to find the name of a song.
55. bing.com/images – automatically find perfectly-sized wallpapers for mobiles.
56. faxzero.com – send an online fax for free – see more fax services.
57. feedmyinbox.com – get RSS feeds as an email newsletter.
58. ge.tt – quickly send a file to someone, they can even preview it before downloading.
59. pipebytes.com – transfer files of any size without uploading to a third-party server.
60. tinychat.com – setup a private chat room in micro-seconds.
61. privnote.com – create text notes that will self-destruct after being read.
62. boxoh.com – track the status of any shipment on Google Maps – alternative.
63. chipin.com – when you need to raise funds online for an event or a cause.
64. downforeveryoneorjustme.com – find if your favorite website is offline or not?
65. ewhois.com – find the other websites of a person with reverse Analytics lookup.
66. whoishostingthis.com – find the web host of any website.
67. google.com/history – found something on Google but can’t remember it now?
68. aviary.com/myna – an online audio editor that lets record, and remix audio clips online.
69. disposablewebpage.com – create a temporary web page that self-destruct.
70. urbandictionary.com – find definitions of slangs and informal words.
71. seatguru.com – consult this site before choosing a seat for your next flight.
72. sxc.hu – download stock images absolutely free.
73. zoom.it – view very high-resolution images in your browser without scrolling.
74. scribblemaps.com – create custom Google Maps easily.
75. alertful.com – quickly setup email reminders for important events.
76. picmonkey.com – Picnik is offline but PicMonkey is an even better image editor.
77. formspring.me – you can ask or answer personal questions here.
78. sumopaint.com – an excellent layer-based online image editor.
79. snopes.com – find if that email offer you received is real or just another scam.
80. typingweb.com – master touch-typing with these practice sessions.
81. mailvu.com – send video emails to anyone using your web cam.
82. timerime.com – create timelines with audio, video and images.
83. stupeflix.com – make a movie out of your images, audio and video clips.
84. safeweb.norton.com – check the trust level of any website.
85. teuxdeux.com – a beautiful to-do app that looks like your paper dairy.
86. deadurl.com – you’ll need this when your bookmarked web pages are deleted.
87. minutes.io – quickly capture effective notes during meetings.
88. youtube.com/leanback – Watch YouTube channels in TV mode.
89. youtube.com/disco – quickly create a video playlist of your favorite artist.
90. talltweets.com – Send tweets longer than 140 characters.
91. pancake.io – create a free and simple website using your Dropbox account.
92. builtwith.com – find the technology stack of any website.
93. woorank.com – research a website from the SEO perspective.
94. mixlr.com – broadcast live audio over the web.
95. radbox.me – bookmark online videos and watch them later (review).
96. tagmydoc.com – add QR codes to your documents and presentations (review).
97. notes.io – the easiest way to write short text notes in the browser.
98. ctrlq.org/html-mail – send rich-text mails to anyone, anonymously.
99. fiverr.com – hire people to do little things for $5.
100. otixo.com – easily manage your online files on Dropbox, Google Docs, etc.
101. ifttt.com – create a connection between all your online accounts.

Economics Explained

It is June, 2009 in a little town in Northern California.

It is raining, and the tiny town looks totally deserted.

It is tough times, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a $100.00 bill on the reception counter and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the $100.00 bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the $100.00 bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the $100.00 bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed.

The supplier of feed store takes the $100.00 bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute. (Who, in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit).

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the $100.00 bill to the hotel proprietor for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the $100.00 bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

The rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his $100.00 bill, saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with great optimism.

Julius Caesar

Life Is 10% What You Make It And 90% How You Take It.- Julius Caesar

Discover the 90/10 Principle.

It will change your life (at least the way you react to situations).
What is this principle? 10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react.
What does this mean? We really have no control over 10% of what happens to us.
We cannot stop the car from breaking down. The plane will be late arriving, which throws our whole schedule off. A driver may cut us off in traffic.
We have no control over this 10%. The other 90% is different. You determine the other 90%.
How? ……….By your reaction.
You cannot control a red light. but you can control your reaction. Don't let people fool you; YOU can control how you react.
Let's use an example.
You are eating breakfast with your family. Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just happened.
What happens next will be determined by how you react.
You curse.
You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the cup over. She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticize her for placing the cup too close to the edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt. Back downstairs, you find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus.
Your spouse must leave immediately for work. You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school. Because you are late, you drive 40 miles an hour in a 30 mph speed limit.
After a 15-minute delay and throwing $60 traffic fine away, you arrive at school. Your daughter runs into the building without saying goodbye. After arriving at the office 20 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase. Your day has started terrible. As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to coming home.
When you arrive home, you find small wedge in your relationship with your spouse and daughter.
Why? …. Because of how you reacted in the morning.
Why did you have a bad day?
A) Did the coffee cause it?
B) Did your daughter cause it?
C) Did the policeman cause it?
D) Did you cause it?
The answer is “D".
You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day.
Here is what could have and should have happened.
Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is about to cry. You gently say, "Its ok honey, you just need to be more careful next time". Grabbing a towel you rush upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase, you come back down in time to look through the window and see your child getting on the bus. She turns and waves. You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good the day you are having.
Notice the difference?
Two different scenarios. Both started the same. Both ended different.
Why?
Because of how you REACTED.
You really do not have any control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% was determined by your reaction.
Here are some ways to apply the 90/10 principle. If someone says something negative about you, don't be a sponge. Let the attack roll off like water on glass. You don't have to let the negative comment affect you!
React properly and it will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing a friend, being fired, getting stressed out etc.
How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic? Do you lose your temper? Pound on the steering wheel? A friend of mine had the steering wheel fall off) Do you curse? Does your blood pressure skyrocket? Do you try and bump them?
WHO CARES if you arrive ten seconds later at work? Why let the cars ruin your drive?
Remember the 90/10 principle, and do not worry about it.
You are told you lost your job.
Why lose sleep and get irritated? It will work out. Use your worrying energy and time into finding another job.
The plane is late; it is going to mangle your schedule for the day. Why take outpour frustration on the flight attendant? She has no control over what is going on.
Use your time to study, get to know the other passenger. Why get stressed out? It will just make things worse.
Now you know the 90-10 principle. Apply it and you will be amazed at the results. You will lose nothing if you try it. The 90-10 principle is incredible. Very few know and apply this principle.
The result?
Millions of people are suffering from undeserved stress, trials, problems and heartache. We all must understand and apply the 90/10 principle.
It CAN change your life!!!

NEW JOB TITLES IN THE NEW SOUTH AFRICA in preparation for 2010!!!

Murderer : Population Stabilizer
Orphan : Independent Youngster
Beggar : Financial Gatherer
Cleaner : Hygiene Specialist
Rapist : Senior Practitioner in Sexual Practices
Gardener : Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist
House Maid : Family Environs Upkeep Manager
Receptionist :Front Office Manager/Office Access Control Specialist
Messenger : Business Communications Conveyer
Window Cleaner : Transparent Wall Technician
Temporary Teacher :Associate Tutor
Tealady : Refreshment Overseer
Garbage Collector : Public Sanitation Technician
Watchman/security : Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer or
Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer
Prostitute : Practical Sexual Relations Officer
Thief : Wealth Distribution Officer
Driver : Automobile Propulsion Specialist
Maid : Domestic Operations Specialist
Employee without Portfolio : Administration Manager
Cook : Food Preparation Officer

Do Not Forget:
Unemployed :Township Management
Gossiping :Research Management

The Buffalo Theory of Intelligence

In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first . This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

1. The sex was so good, even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
4. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
5. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
6. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
9. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
10. To all you virgins - thanks for nothing.
11. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12. All men are idiots - I married their king.
13. How can I be overdrawn - I still have cheques.
14. Life's a buffet - so eat me!
15. Out of my mind - back in 5 minutes.
16. Keep honking - I'm reloading.
17. Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
18. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
19. Sometimes I wake up grumpy- other times I let her sleep.
20. A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
21. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
22. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
23. I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
24. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
25. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
26. Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
27. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
28. Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
29. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
30. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot

Being Twenty-something - they call it the "Quarter-life Crisis"

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing
that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not
like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or
two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those
friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the
greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch
with are some of the most important ones.

What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and
aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as
confused as you.

You look at your job ... and it is not even close to what you thought
you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing
that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger.

You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than
usual suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your
life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is
acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next,
secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone
and scared and confused.

Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past
with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and
further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or
move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do
such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet
anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better.

Or maybe you love someone but they love someone else too and cannot
figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a
bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap.

Getting wasted and acting like an idiot doesn't seem as fun.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk
with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to
make a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for
yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd
just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as
we can to figure this whole thing out.


"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath away."

It's really amazing when two strangers become the best of friends, but
it is really sad when the best of friends become two strangers.

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,"For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear- asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm going to say this once....I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET !!!!"

A LONG LONG TIME AGO

One time, couple span jares ago, there was this one member rite. N e
way, this oke was like one top o xse ! This bra yer had one lukka vrou too
rite. Was his bullies favourite lity too. But his bullie was an operator also
rite, this bullie had 4 vrous xse ! He had one lity from each vrou too.
His one vrou chune the bullie he must send this bra away for 14 years
Other wise there will be speeches with him and her rite.

The bully chune orite sharp. He chune this bra he mus vy way from the
porsie. But his one lity bru chune, fock dat xse, he want to vy too.
So this bra, his vrou and his lity bru chune kick it.
Now they were blying in a different section and this one roti o
gangster check this bra vrou. He chune she is lukka and he wants her.
You knor how these roti o's get when they see porridge stekkies.

This ganster o too had nor style so he tried to hash this bras vrou man!
This bra and his bru chune fock nor xse ! you karn dalla a move like dat!
you knor who we are xse ? I chop you one time !
They vied met up with one two other bras and vied to optel the Roti o's!
They vied xse, Focked the roti o's solid ! Those roti o's nevr knew what
hit them ! These brus and their other porridge bra's hit these okes once,
they fell twice xse !

N e way after the speeches this bra, his vrou and bru chune vy porsie !
All the other porridge o's were so happy that the roti okes gort focked up,
They chune they must have one jol !

Big jol they had xse, fireworks burfee, chuna makaj the works xse !

After that every year the okes have the same JOL.
They call it Diwali xse

FAMILY PROBLEMS

Hear dis out Two men met at a bus stop downtown Durban CBD and struck
up a rather interesting conversation. Now it appears dat one of them
kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said:
"ekse larnie you chooning dis way dat way and thinking you have family
problems? Now take a good listen to my situation and all. A few years
ago, I met a young widow stekkie from chassies with a lukka grown-up
daughter and we got buckled.
Later on my ballie married my step daughter. Now u see dat made my
stepdaughter my step ma and my ballie became my stepson. Also, my vrou
became mother in-law of her father-in-law. "Then the daughter of my
vrou, my stepma, had a lighty. This boy was my half-bru because he was
my ballies lighty, but he was also the lighty of my vrou's daughter
which made him my vrou's grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my
half-bru. "This was nothing until my vrou and I had a lighty of our own
too. Now the half-sister of my lighty, my stepma, is also the
grandmother. This makes my ballie the brother-in-law of my child, whose
stepsister is my ballie's vrou, I'm my stepma's brother-in-law, my vrou
is her own child's aunt, my lighty is my ballies's nephew and I'm my own
grandfather!

Hella man what a thing and what you were chooning again about u having
family problems and all!"

Steven Wright

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous guy who once said, "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates!" His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals. Here are some of his Deep Thoughts: 01 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 02 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 03 - Half the people you know are below average. 04 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 05 - 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 06 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 07 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 08 - If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. 09 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. 10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. 12- OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good. 20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her some friends? 21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

.

Mafia, Don

Mafia, Don (the dawg) Naidoo (Real name Dhanarajen) is
dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
"9 boy, now I want u to listen to me nicely, ok. I want you to take
my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don't like guns and all; what about you leaving
me your Rolex watch instead."

"You listen to me nicely 9, some day you gonna be running da
business, you gonna have a beautiful stekkie for a wife, lotsa money,
a big posie and maybe a couple of nine boys too and some day you
gonna come to ur posie and maybe find your stekkie in bed with
another man.

What'chaa gonna do eh, eh? Point to your watch and choon da maamoo
"HEY Maadhir - TIME'S UP?"

Two Hour Delay

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!

And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your low-income asses in the train, cause we are going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,
but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you .We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She then hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are piss***ed off about the TWO HOUR delay,
please see the bi****tc in the kitchen."

Five Don'ts when sleeping

1 DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH
Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed
for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health.

2 DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA
Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have
a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it.

3 DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE
Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mobile phone near you, switch it off first.

4 DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP
People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.

5 DON'T SLEEP WITH SOMEONES' WIFE / HUSBAND
You may never wake up again.