The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle,
when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the
mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some
items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly
picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and
proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the
students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into
the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students
responded' with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under
the table and poured the entire contents into the jar
effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things--your family, your
children, your health, your friends and your favourite
passions---and if everything else was lost and only they
remained,your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job,
your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put
the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room
for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you
will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will
always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take
care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may
seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

This Year's Idiots Awards

In case you haven't received them yet, here are this year's
Idiots Awards - the annual honor given to the person who
improved the "gene pool" the most by killing themselves in
the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition
this year has been keen.

And the candidates this year are . . .

* In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two
feet of water after squeezing head first through an
18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

* A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran,"--accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high
cliff on his daily run.

* Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burglarising.Death was caused when the long flashlight he
had placed in his mouth(to keep his hands free) rammed into the
base of his skull as he hit the floor.

* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville as he
won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver
loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

HONOURABLE MENTION:

* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalised in Andover township, NJ,
and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of
dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around 2 AM , the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the
window to see what would happen,but apparently failed to
notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:

* TACOMA , WA Kerry Bingham had been drinking with
several friends when one of them said they knew a person
who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated
and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge
at 4:30 AM .
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered
that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had
continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil
of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was
secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to
the bridge.His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened
and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived
his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two
nearby fishermen.
"All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching
out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation
for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER :

* Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt
(Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22
doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm
finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200
pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting
to give th ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the
relieved beast unloaded on him.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation
knocked Mr.Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his
head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued
to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted
Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. '
With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung
for atleast an hour before a watchman came along, and during
that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those
freak accidents that proves that
"Sh*t happens!*