Wednesday, November 14, 2007


One time, couple span jares ago, there was this one member rite. N e
way, this oke was like one top o xse ! This bra yer had one lukka vrou too
rite. Was his bullies favourite lity too. But his bullie was an operator also
rite, this bullie had 4 vrous xse ! He had one lity from each vrou too.
His one vrou chune the bullie he must send this bra away for 14 years
Other wise there will be speeches with him and her rite.

The bully chune orite sharp. He chune this bra he mus vy way from the
porsie. But his one lity bru chune, fock dat xse, he want to vy too.
So this bra, his vrou and his lity bru chune kick it.
Now they were blying in a different section and this one roti o
gangster check this bra vrou. He chune she is lukka and he wants her.
You knor how these roti o's get when they see porridge stekkies.

This ganster o too had nor style so he tried to hash this bras vrou man!
This bra and his bru chune fock nor xse ! you karn dalla a move like dat!
you knor who we are xse ? I chop you one time !
They vied met up with one two other bras and vied to optel the Roti o's!
They vied xse, Focked the roti o's solid ! Those roti o's nevr knew what
hit them ! These brus and their other porridge bra's hit these okes once,
they fell twice xse !

N e way after the speeches this bra, his vrou and bru chune vy porsie !
All the other porridge o's were so happy that the roti okes gort focked up,
They chune they must have one jol !

Big jol they had xse, fireworks burfee, chuna makaj the works xse !

After that every year the okes have the same JOL.
They call it Diwali xse


Hear dis out Two men met at a bus stop downtown Durban CBD and struck
up a rather interesting conversation. Now it appears dat one of them
kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said:
"ekse larnie you chooning dis way dat way and thinking you have family
problems? Now take a good listen to my situation and all. A few years
ago, I met a young widow stekkie from chassies with a lukka grown-up
daughter and we got buckled.
Later on my ballie married my step daughter. Now u see dat made my
stepdaughter my step ma and my ballie became my stepson. Also, my vrou
became mother in-law of her father-in-law. "Then the daughter of my
vrou, my stepma, had a lighty. This boy was my half-bru because he was
my ballies lighty, but he was also the lighty of my vrou's daughter
which made him my vrou's grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my
half-bru. "This was nothing until my vrou and I had a lighty of our own
too. Now the half-sister of my lighty, my stepma, is also the
grandmother. This makes my ballie the brother-in-law of my child, whose
stepsister is my ballie's vrou, I'm my stepma's brother-in-law, my vrou
is her own child's aunt, my lighty is my ballies's nephew and I'm my own

Hella man what a thing and what you were chooning again about u having
family problems and all!"

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Steven Wright

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous guy who once said, "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates!"

His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals. Here are some of his Deep Thoughts:

01 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
02 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
03 - Half the people you know are below average.
04 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
05 - 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
06 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
07 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
08 - If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
09 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her some friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."


Friday, August 03, 2007

Mafia, Don

Mafia, Don (the dawg) Naidoo (Real name Dhanarajen) is
dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
"9 boy, now I want u to listen to me nicely, ok. I want you to take
my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don't like guns and all; what about you leaving
me your Rolex watch instead."

"You listen to me nicely 9, some day you gonna be running da
business, you gonna have a beautiful stekkie for a wife, lotsa money,
a big posie and maybe a couple of nine boys too and some day you
gonna come to ur posie and maybe find your stekkie in bed with
another man.

What'chaa gonna do eh, eh? Point to your watch and choon da maamoo
"HEY Maadhir - TIME'S UP?"

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Two Hour Delay

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!

And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your low-income asses in the train, cause we are going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,
but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you .We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She then hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are piss***ed off about the TWO HOUR delay,
please see the bi****tc in the kitchen."

Friday, July 06, 2007

Five Don'ts when sleeping

Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed
for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health.

Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have
a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it.

Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mobile phone near you, switch it off first.

People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.

You may never wake up again.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Interview on the Radio

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day
and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning
guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta
love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is
a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female
broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to
sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery,
and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Rabbit and the Lion

A rabbit was hopping through the forest when he came upon a giraffe rolling a joint The rabbit said, "giraffe, don't do drugs. Come run with me through the forest." the giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the joint.
He dropped the joint and ran off with the rabbit.
They came upon an elephant snorting cocaine. The rabbit said, "elephant, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest." the elephant looked at his razor blade and mirror,t ossed them away and began running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then came across a lion about to shoot up.
The rabbit said, "lion, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest."
The lion looked at the rabbit and then at the needle. He put down the needle and started to beat up the rabbit.
Horrified, the giraffe and elephant asked, "lion, why are you doing this? He was trying to help you."
The lion answered, "this little f***er? He makes me run around the forest like a f***ing idiot every time he's on ecstasy."

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Bowling bowling Bowling...

Hey Guys... Thanks For The Great Nite Out Bowling ,, Was Really Fun Meeting everyone.
ZoeY And Saf, Hats Of To u Guys For Organizing It.
Asad and Zoe, Shot for The Massages. Its Wat Kept Me Going..
R, Saf, Zoe, Asad Thanks For The Bowling Tips...C It Paid Off..
Waseem, Joe, Shiraz.. Was Nice Meeting U Guys for The 1st Time.
Dew.. Its been a Lng Time, but U Havnt Changd a Bit... :)
Laila, Next Tym Im Going To Throw The Water On u.
Mj, MaHoezo, Phantom, Hmm... No Tops Boys..
Mohsina.... U still fyting Wid Me??
MaHoezo... Ur a dead Man For starting That neo Crap Again..
Wonder If Every1 Knows Wat Mazozo Meanz...
Shahista.. Hope u Enjoyed Ur birthday..

We Gota do This Agian.. hint Saf/Zoe
& Mohsina is also a gud Organizer.. My suggestion... Horse Ridding/Cnt Skate To Save My Life..
Thankz Guys .

Monday, May 14, 2007


The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool chemistry final exam.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate

at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting "Oh my God."

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Friday, May 04, 2007

Beauty On Mothers Day

Mothers Day Gift Package

Full Body Massage, Deep Cleanse
Facial, Manicure, Pedicure (2Hrs)

First 10 bookings receive a
30% Discount

Call 031 2016026
076 7868949

email for a complete catalogue

Monday, April 30, 2007


Viola! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.

well Mohsina has come up with her own V Tune

viola V ...verily i am verbose and find this varied text rather vain.
vafrous u are rite now...venial i will not be!
venerous i think u r....
are u in venditation as u travel with velociousness ?
with vespoid movement i will turn u vert, slowly u will vesuviate.
don't u know that i am : Vicereine ???
videtur, u dont! viscidly virid with viricide am i!
my vizard veils my vanity .....

Cancel your credit cards before you die

This sounds like as good advice as don't rent a casket when you die. It's not just the government... Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: "So what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."
(Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

A wonderful Message by George Carlin

George Carlin is an American comedian. He is known to be a Little foul-mouthed and it is fascinating that after the death of his wife and 9-11 he would write the following.

A wonderful Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but
we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one
night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Thursday, April 19, 2007


In love and life don't ever play games. If you love someone, TELL them,
if you don't, TELL them. The human heart is a very complex thing in that
it makes us do the strangest things when it reaches a point of desperation
especially when we are hurting. I'm sure many of us have reached that
point where we find ourselves attacking the competition "in the name of
LOVE" even attacking the object of your affection.

At the end of it all, relationships, whether friendships or romance, need
two elements to survive - COMMUNICATION and COMPROMISE and it needs
another two elements two fall apart - PRIDE AND STUPIDITY.

Too proud to say I'm sorry, too proud to say I'm hurting, too proud to say
I'm feeling a little insecure. And so stupid, stupid enough to let them go
because you think they will be back, stupid enough not to tell them that
you love them because you think they will stick around longer if you play
hard to get, stupid enough not to answer their calls when you have a fight
because you want to make them hurt and you want to teach them a lesson
they'll never forget. Watch out you are not the one who learns a lesson.
If it's worth a great person walking out of your life, possibly for good,
then by all means knock yourself out.

But don't cry when that person never calls again, or finds solace in
another's arms, or throws themselves off a twenty story building because
the pain you were causing them was too much to bear.

Don't cry when a beautiful relationship is broken and can't be fixed
because YOU chose to play games instead of laying your cards on the table
and working it out. Say exactly what you feel and ask exactly what you
want to know. No matter how STUPID you sound. At least you will know
exactly where you stand.

And even if after you've poured your heart and it still doesn't work out,
you will be at peace because you know you did your best on your part.
Your conscience will be clear and you will move on knowing that you
didn't go down without a fight.

Loving someone is not a game.

People are not pyramids; you can't go off on your own selfish trip and
expect to find them in the exact same spot you left them weeks ago. If
you don't take care of your partners needs when they need you to, what
guarantee do you have that somebody else won't.

So when you find your partner in your best friend's arms or hear they are
getting married to someone you thought was just a "rebound trip" after you
let them go without a fight:

Don't cry, 'cause while you were busy playing games.......

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Do you think petrol is expensive?

Diet Coke 100ml @ R2.80 = R28.00 per litre

Lipton Ice Tea 200ml @ R3.50 = R17..50 per litre

Amstel 750ml @ R9.50 = R12.60 per litre

Energade 250ml @ R3.00 = R12.00 per litre

Brake Fluid 100ml @ R6.00 = R60.00 per litre

Vick's Nasal Sprayl 50ml @ R9.00 = R180.00 per litre

Hugo Boss Spray 50ml @ R225.00 = R4500.00 per litre

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 500ml @ R15.00 = R30.00! R30.00 for WATER!

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't
run on Water, Coke, or Vick's Nasal Spray!!!
Just a little humour to help ease the pain of your next trip to
the pump...

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

International Council of Manhood

Rules of Being a Man

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

18: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

20: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

?GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say, "Roll over, fatty, you're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood

Men Are Just Happier People

Men Are Just Happier People - What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £2000. Tux hire- £100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.


A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a
difference for an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new
restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our
order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a
little strange. When the busboy brought our water and
utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt
pocket. Then looked around saw that all the staff had
spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I
asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners
hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded
that the spoon was the most frequently dropped
utensil. It represents a drop frequency of
approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our
personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the
number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15
man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was
able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another
spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making
an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all
the waiters had the same string hanging from their
flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter

"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that
string right there?

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not
everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I
mentioned also found out that we could save time in
the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you
know what, we can pull it out without touching it and
eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the
time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "don't know about the others, but
I use the spoon."

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


"There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two
days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension. One of these
days is Yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders,
its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All
the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We cannot undo a
single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said.
Yesterday is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow, with its possible
adversities, its burdens, its large promise, and poor performance.
Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow's sun will rise,
either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds; but it will rise. Until it
does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is as yet unborn. This leaves
only one day: Today.

Anyone can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I
add the burdens of those two awful eternities -Yesterday and Tomorrow -
that we break down. It is not the experience of Today that drives us mad,
it is remorse and bitterness for something which happened Yesterday and
the dread of what Tomorrow may bring. Let us therefore, live this one full

True ghost story from Soweto

A man was hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling by and there was hardly a car on the road. The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him.
Suddenly a car came towards him and stopped. Without thinking, he got in and closed the door,just to realize that there was nobody behind the steering wheel. The car moved off slowly. He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road.
Scared, he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified. Just before hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel. The man, now paralysed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve.
Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights he could see. Wet and in shock, he went into a shebeen and asked for Black-Label. After drinking it, he told everyone of the horrible experience he just had. Everyone was silent when they realized he was crying.
About half an hour later, two men came walking into the shebeen and, on seeing the terrified man, the one said to the other, "Look, Mfowetu (my bra), that's the idiot that got into the car while we were pushing it".

Thank You...

A special Thank You to Asad and Mohsina for The Jacket.
It looks really nice.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Well, I never knew that !!!!

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history:-
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "Goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.

Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them, "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.

"Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it..........

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amazing huh?

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Famous quotes on Sex

My girlfriend always laughs during sex --no matter what she's reading.
Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen

Lord, grant me chastity and continence... but not yet.
St. Augustine

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
Tom Clancy

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Steve Martin

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
Lynn Lavner

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
George Burns

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
George Burns

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships
Sharon Stone

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

Women need a reason to have sex Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Dustin Hoffman

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.
Jerry Seinfeld

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

My family never raised me to have a vagina.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Aldous Huxley

Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
George Carlin

Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.
Mark Twain

One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.
Jane Austen

Sex concentrates on what is on the outside of the individual. It's funny because I think it's better inside.
Alex Walsh

When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
Frederike Ryder

Monday, March 26, 2007

Tagged by Zoe,Saf & R

What are The 5 things ppl dont knw about me?
hmm... really hard to say, There are alot of things ppl dont no about me.
Well i Asked a friend (mohsina) to help me discribe my self to u guys.
so r,zoe & saf, here are somtings you guys didnt know.

here u go...
conceited(mo Thinks so, but im not)
oh and then she added
"a chicken , dont like quad bikes" so not true
"loves good food and fine wine that ages like woman" lol
"party animal" maby at times.. but i knw my limits
"emulates qualities of a leader , def not a follower"

yea so finally iv keptd my promise to you all..
well nw lets c wat zoe,r,saf and all other friends think.

Friday, March 09, 2007

To My Friends

To My Friends Who Are...........
Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you.
But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it.
Love can make you happy but often it hurts, but love's only special when
you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and
choose the best.

To My Friends Who Are............NOT SO SINGLE
Love isn't about becoming somebody else's 'perfect person.' It's about
finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be.

To My Friends Who Are............PLAYBOY/GIRL TYPE
Never say 'I love you' if you don't care. Never talk about feelings if
they aren't there. Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart. Never
look in the eye when all you do is lie. The cruelest thing a guy can do to
a girl is to let her fall in love when he doesn't intend to catch her fall
and it works both ways...

To My Friends Who Are............MARRIED
Love is not about 'it's your fault', but 'I'm sorry.' Not 'where are you',
but 'I'm right here.' Not 'how could you', but 'I understand.' Not 'I wish
you were', but 'I'm thankful you are.'

To My Friends Who Are............ENGAGED
The true measure of compatibility is not the years spent together but how
good you are for each other.

To My Friends Who Are............HEARTBROKEN
Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to
go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from

To My Friends Who Are............NAIVE
How to be in love: Fall but don't stumble, be consistent but not too
persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand,
and get hurt but never keep the pain.

To My Friends Who Are............POSSESSIVE
It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else but
it's more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.

To My Friends Who Are............AFRAID TO CONFESS
Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts even more when someone
breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has
no idea how you feel.

To My Friends Who Are............STILL HOLDING ON
A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love, only to
find out in the end that it was never meant to be and that you have wasted
years on someone who wasn't worth it. If he isn't worth it now he's not
going to be worth it a year or 10 years from now Let go.....


My wish for you is a man/women whose love is honest, strong, mature,
never-changing, uplifting, protective, encouraging, rewarding and unselfish.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Indian Technology

After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Russian
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came
to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network
one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American
scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US
scientists have found traces of 2000 year old
>optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already
had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the

One week later, the Indian newspapers reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 500 metres, Indian scientists have found
absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their
ancestors were already using wireless technology."

Thursday, March 01, 2007


Hush my laaitie don't you cry
Daddy's gonna steal you a GTi,
And if that GTi don't Torque
Another GTi, I will stalk.
And if the stalking don't go to well
Daddy's gonna steal you a Caravelle
And if that Caravelle makes some tricks
Daddy's gonna jack you a VR6.
And if that VR6 won't fly
Daddy's gonna knock a BM from a Sandton guy.
And if that BM's sound is kwaai
Da Lenz cherries will go with you to elke braai!
And if the cops ask why ?
Daddy will buy the docket from a Police spy!
And if all these things still make you cry

Then you're not my laaitie
..... your mom told me a lie !!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Crime definitely pays!

Question: "What is the influence of crime on the S.A. Govt?"

Answer: Crime generates millions and millions of Rand's for the S.A. Govt

Here are the facts:

Example 1:

Take just one million home owners in Gauteng who pay for "armed crime reaction" (not crime prevention) where private security companies react AFTER the crime has taken place - no wonder they never make any arrests!

This service costs on average R250 p.m. Therefore 1 000,000 x R240.00 X 12 months x 14% VAT, generates R403 million in tax revenue for the S.A. Govt!

Example 2:

A car thief steals a R500,000 car and receives between R10,000 and R30,000 for his deed.

The car owner is paid out by insurance and then purchases another similar vehicle, on which he pays 14% VAT of approx R70,000 as a direct result of crime. Who profited the most? The thief or the S.A.Govt?

We must begin with a mechanism whereby the S.A. Govt is forced to reconsider this unconstitutional and immoral practice of profiting from crime!

All South Africans should demand that all payments related to protection of life and property should be VAT free and Tax deductible!

This principle should also apply to replacement of stolen property as well as estate duty. If a person dies as a result of crime we should also demand that estate duty not be paid. How much do you think the S.A. Govt has made out of estate duty from the murders of 1300 South African farmers?

The S.A. Govt likes to compare us to overseas. Well overseas your safety and security is covered by your income tax and is tax deductible!

It is time that South Africans stood together and made the Govt and public aware of the Govt's "income" from crime. In the meantime crime is the goose that lays the golden egg
Is it also not unreasonable to expect victims of violence and hijackings to pay their own medical costs? The Govt should pay for these expenses as well as family counselling for victims!

Come on South Africa, ask the right questions and demand the right answers!

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Question ?

If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, he man pulled a gun and asked
for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15..

LoL.. Can U Charge Him For This?

Monday, January 29, 2007

Idiots of 2006

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this
woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring
her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at
the end of the conversation happened to mention that she
gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill
the ants.I told her that she better bring her daughter
into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked
into the branch and wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give
his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had
seen him write the note and might call the police before
he reached the teller's window. So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to the
Wells Fa rgo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line,
he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and,surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a
Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have
to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said,
"OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read
it anyway.

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed
trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed
his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40
and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the
police department a photograph of $40. Several days later,
he received a letter from the police that contained another
picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in
his $40.

Smart, but you still get a sign

Number Four Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun
and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber
saw a bottle of Scotch that hewanted behind the counter
on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag
as well, but the cashier refused and said,"Because I don't
believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to give it to him because she
didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the
clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man
was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the
name and address of the robber that he got off the
license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

Idiot Number Five of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop
nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted,
"Nobody move!" When his partner moved,
the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

Thursday, January 18, 2007


Guys we've all heard about having "guts" or "balls",
but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for
each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with
the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and
having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with
the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on
your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having
the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

important Lessons

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The
wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob
says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in
the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to
the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It
was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about
the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in
a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest
nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his
hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at
the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie
says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." Me first!
Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world." Puff! She's gone. Me next! Me next!" says
the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's
gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I
also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered:
"Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why
don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey
pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

BullSh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a
large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by
and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay
there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how
warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to
sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird d singing
and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

30 Funniest Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.

To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

Top 10 Greatest Impostors in History

Victor Lustig, the man who sold the Eiffel Tower

Victor Lustig (1890-1947) is held to have been
one of the most talented confidence tricksters
who ever lived. Lustig's first con involved selling
a $30,000 money-printing machine that didn't worked well.

In 1925, Lustig's master con began when he was reading a newspaper: an article discussed the problems the city was having maintaining the Eiffel Tower. So he adopted the persona of a government official, and sent six scrap metal dealers an invitation to discuss a possible business deal.

Lustig told the group that the upkeep on the Eiffel Tower was so outrageous that the city could not maintain it any longer, and wanted to sell it for scrap. So he sold the Eiffel Tower to one of the scrap metal dealers and took a train to Vienna with the suitcase full of cash. The buyer was too humiliated to complain to the police.

Later, Lustig convinced Al Capone to invest $40,000 in a stock deal. Lustig kept Capone's money in a safe deposit box for two months, then returned it to him, claiming that the deal had fallen through. Impressed with Lustig's integrity, Capone gave him $5,000. It was, of course, all that Lustig was after.

On 1907, Lustig arrived to the United States and conducted a number of scams, but eventually his luck ran out: he was arrested for counterfeiting and sent to Alcatraz prison.

Frank Abagnale, catch me if you can

Frank William Abagnale, Jr. (born April 27, 1948) was an impostor for five years in the 1960s. His first con was writing checks on his own overdrawn account. Then he printed out his own, almost perfect copies of checks. He also collected over US$40,000 by printing his account number on blank bank deposit slips and added them to the stack of real blank slips in the bank.

For a period of two years, Abagnale masqueraded as Pan Am pilot "Frank Williams", to get free rides around the world by dead heading on scheduled airline flights. Later, he impersonated a pediatrician for 11 months in a Georgia hospital under the name "Frank Williams". He also forged a Harvard University Law diploma, passed the bar exam of Louisiana and got a job at the office of the State Attorney General of Louisiana.

Over 5 years he worked under 8 identities, though he used many more to cash checks, and passed bad checks worth over $2,5 million in 26 countries. The money was used for a lifestyle in which he dated flight attendants, ate at expensive restaurants, bought expensive clothing, and prepared for his next con.

The movie "Catch Me If You Can" is loosely based on his exploits. He currently runs Abagnale and Associates, a financial fraud consultancy company.

Christopher Rocancourt, the french Rockefeller

Christophe Thierry Rocancourt (1967-) is an impostor and con artist who scammed affluent people by masquerading as a French member of the Rockefeller family.

His mother worked as a prostitute and his father was an alcoholic who took Christophe to an orphanage when the boy was 5. He ran away and made his way to Paris where he pulled his first big con: faking the deed to a property he didn't own, then "selling" the property for $1,4 million.

Making his way to the United States, Rocancourt used at least a dozen aliases. In Los Angeles, he pretended to be a movie producer, boxing champion or venture capitalist. He dropped names like "his mother" Sophia Loren or "his uncles" Oscar de la Renta and Dino de Laurentiis and was associated with various celebrities. He married Playboy model Pía Reyes; they had a son, Zeus. He lived for a time with Mickey Rourke.

In Canada, Rocancourt wrote an autobiography in which he ridiculed his victims. In March 2002 he was extradited to New York. He pled guilty to 3 of 11 different charges including theft, grand larceny, smuggling, bribery and perjury. He estimated that he "made" at least $40 million.

Ferdinand Demara, the Great Impostor

Ferdinand Waldo Demara (1921-1982), known as "the Great Impostor", masqueraded as many people from monks to surgeons to prison wardens.

He joined the U.S. Army in 1941 and began his new lives by borrowing the name of his army buddy Anthony Ignolia and went AWOL. He then faked his suicide and borrowed another name, Robert Linton French, and became a religiously-oriented psychologist. Both Navy and Army caught him eventually and he served 18 months in prison.

A string of pseudo-academic careers followed. He was, among other things, a civil engineer, a sheriff's deputy, an assistant prison warden, a doctor of applied psychology, a hospital orderly, a lawyer, a child-care expert, a Benedictine monk, a Trappist monk, an editor, a cancer researcher, and a teacher. One teaching job led to a six months in prison. He never seemed to get much monetary gain in what he was doing - just temporary respectability.

His most famous exploit was to masquerade as surgeon Joseph Cyr about HMCS Cayuga, a Canadian Navy destroyer, during the Korean War. He managed to improvise successful surgeries and fend off infection with generous amounts of penicillin. This worked until the mother of the real Dr. Joseph Cyr found out and reported it.

Demara returned to the U.S., inspired the 1960 film "The Great Imposter", and died on 1982 as a Baptist minister.

David Hampton, less than Six Degrees of Separation from Sidney Poitier

David Hampton (1964-2003) was an African-American con artist. Unable to gain entry at Studio 54, Hampton assumed the identity of Sidney Poitier's son and was suddenly ushered in as celebrity.

Hampton began employing the persona of "David Poitier" to cadge free meals in restaurants. He then persuaded at least a dozen people into letting him stay with them in their homes or to give him money, including Melanie Griffith, Gary Sinise, and Calvin Klein. He told some of them that he was a friend of their children, some that he had just missed his plane to Los Angeles and that all his luggage was on it, some that his belongings had been stolen.

On 1983, Hampton was arrested and convicted for his frauds and was ordered to pay restitution of $4,490 to his various victims. His story became the inspiration for a play and later a movie, titled "Six Degrees of Separation". David Hampton died of AIDS-related complications in 2003.

Milli Vanilli, the pop duo who couldn't sing

Milli Vanilli was a pop vocal duo composed of Fab Morvan and Rob Pilatus that formed in Germany in the mid-1980s.

Milli Vanilli started to grow worldwide as of 1988 and won the Grammy Award for Best New Artist on 1990. But in the same year, during a 'live' performance recorded by MTV at the Lake Compounce theme park in Connecticut, the recording of the song "Girl You Know It's True" jammed and began to skip, resulting in one of the most embarrassing moments in popular music history.

So the truth was revealed: the Milli Vanilli sound was actually created by Frank Farian featuring the vocal talents of other singers, and Morvan and Pilatus did not sing at all on the records.

After this, the Grammy Award they received was stripped from them, and at least 26 different lawsuits were filed under various U.S. consumer fraud protection laws against Pilatus, Morvan and Arista Records.

Cassie Chadwick, the illegitimate daughter of Andrew Carnegie

Cassie Chadwick (1857-1907) is the most famous name of a Canadian woman born as Elizabeth Bigley. At the age of 22 she was arrested in Woodstock, Ontario for forgery but released on grounds of insanity. In 1882 she married Wallace Springsteen in Cleveland, Ohio; her husband threw her out eleven days later when he found out about her past. In Cleveland, she married a Dr. Chadwick.

In 1897, Cassie began her largest, most successful con game: that of establishing herself as Andrew Carnegie's daughter. She faked a promissory note of $2 million with Carnegie's signature. The information leaked to the financial markets in northern Ohio, and banks begun to offer their services. For the next eight years she used this fake background to obtain loans that eventually totaled between $10 and 20 million.

When Carnegie was later asked about her, he denied ever knowing her: the scheme collapsed, she was arrested and the trial was a media circus. She died in jail.

Mary Baker, the Princess Caraboo from the island of Javasu

On 1817, a cobbler in England, met an apparently disoriented young woman with exotic clothes who was speaking a language no one could understand. Locals brought many foreigners who tried to find out what strange language the lady was talking, until a Portuguese sailor "translated" her story: she was Princess Caraboo from the island of Javasu in the Indian Ocean. She had been captured by pirates, then jumped overboard in the Bristol Channel and swam ashore.

For the next ten weeks, this representative of exotic royalty was a favourite of the local dignataries. She used a bow and arrow, fenced, swam naked and prayed to God, whom she termed Allah Tallah. She acquired exotic clothing and a portrait made of her was reproduced in local newspapers.

Eventually the truth came out: she was actually a cobbler's daughter, Mary Baker, from Devon. She had been a servant girl in various places all over England but had not found a place to stay. She had invented a fictitious language out of imaginary and gypsy words and created an exotic character.

She continued her role in the USA, France and Spain without the same luck. Her story was the basis of the 1994 movie "Princess Caraboo", written by John Wells.

Wilhelm Voigt, the amusing Captain of Köpenick

Wilhelm Voigt (1849-1922) was a German impostor who masqueraded as a Prussian military officer in 1906 and became famous as the Captain of Köpenick.

On 1906 he had purchased parts of used captain's uniforms and, once in Köpenick, he went to the local army barracks, stopped four grenadiers and a sergeant on their way back to barracks and told them to come with him. Indoctrinated to obey officers without question, they followed.

He had the town secretary Rosenkranz and Mayor Georg Langerhans arrested for suspicions of crooked bookkeeping and confiscated 4000 marks and 70 pfennigs - with a receipt, of course. Then he commandeered two carriages and told the grenadiers to take the Mayor and the treasurer Wiltberg to Berlin to General Moltke for interrogation. He told the remaining guards to stand in their places for half an hour and then left for the train station. In the train he changed to civilian clothes and slipped out.

Voigt was arrested and sentenced to four years in prison for forgery, impersonating an officer and wrongful imprisonment. However, much of the public opinion was on his side. German Kaiser Wilhelm II pardoned him on 1908. There are some claims that even the Kaiser had been amused by the incident.

George Psalmanazar, the first Formosan to visit Europe

George Psalmanazar (1679-1763) claimed to be the first Formosan to visit Europe. He appeared in Northern Europe, around the year 1700. He looked European but claimed he came from the faraway island of Formosa, followed a foreign calendar and worshipped the Sun and the Moon.

Psalmanazar published a book An Historical and Geographical Description of Formosa, an Island subject to the Emperor of Japan which revealed a number of strange habits. Formosa was a prosperous country of wealth with capital city called Xternetsa. Men walked naked except for a gold or silver plate to cover their privates. Their main food was a serpent that they hunt with branches. Formosans were polygamous and the husband had a right to eat their wives for infidelity. They executed murderers by hanging them upside down and shooting them full of arrows. Annually they sacrificed the hearts of 18,000 young boys to gods and priests ate the bodies. They also used horses and camels for mass transportation. The book also described the Formosan alphabet.

The book was rather successful. He lectured on Formosan culture and language and pretended to translate religious literature into Formosan. The Bishop of London supported him. He spoke before the Royal Society. Eventually, he grew tired of the deception: in 1706 he confessed, first to friends and then in public.