Thursday, June 19, 2008

NEW JOB TITLES IN THE NEW SOUTH AFRICA in preparation for 2010!!!

Murderer : Population Stabilizer
Orphan : Independent Youngster
Beggar : Financial Gatherer
Cleaner : Hygiene Specialist
Rapist : Senior Practitioner in Sexual Practices
Gardener : Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist
House Maid : Family Environs Upkeep Manager
Receptionist :Front Office Manager/Office Access Control Specialist
Messenger : Business Communications Conveyer
Window Cleaner : Transparent Wall Technician
Temporary Teacher :Associate Tutor
Tealady : Refreshment Overseer
Garbage Collector : Public Sanitation Technician
Watchman/security : Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer or
Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer
Prostitute : Practical Sexual Relations Officer
Thief : Wealth Distribution Officer
Driver : Automobile Propulsion Specialist
Maid : Domestic Operations Specialist
Employee without Portfolio : Administration Manager
Cook : Food Preparation Officer

Do Not Forget:
Unemployed :Township Management
Gossiping :Research Management

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The Buffalo Theory of Intelligence

In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first . This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

1. The sex was so good, even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
4. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
6. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
9. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
To all you virgins - thanks for nothing.
11. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12. All men are idiots - I married their king.
13. How can I be overdrawn - I still have cheques.
Life's a buffet - so eat me!
15. Out of my mind - back in 5 minutes.
16. Keep honking - I'm reloading.
17. Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
18. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
19. Sometimes I wake up grumpy- other times I let her sleep.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
22. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
24. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
26. Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
27. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
28. Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
29. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
30. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot