Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Question ?

If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, he man pulled a gun and asked
for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15..

LoL.. Can U Charge Him For This?

Monday, January 29, 2007

Idiots of 2006

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this
woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring
her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at
the end of the conversation happened to mention that she
gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill
the ants.I told her that she better bring her daughter
into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked
into the branch and wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give
his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had
seen him write the note and might call the police before
he reached the teller's window. So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to the
Wells Fa rgo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line,
he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and,surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a
Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have
to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said,
"OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read
it anyway.

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed
trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed
his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40
and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the
police department a photograph of $40. Several days later,
he received a letter from the police that contained another
picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in
his $40.

Smart, but you still get a sign

Number Four Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun
and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber
saw a bottle of Scotch that hewanted behind the counter
on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag
as well, but the cashier refused and said,"Because I don't
believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to give it to him because she
didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the
clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man
was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the
name and address of the robber that he got off the
license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

Idiot Number Five of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop
nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted,
"Nobody move!" When his partner moved,
the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

Thursday, January 18, 2007


Guys we've all heard about having "guts" or "balls",
but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for
each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with
the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and
having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with
the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on
your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having
the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

important Lessons

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The
wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob
says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in
the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to
the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It
was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about
the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in
a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest
nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his
hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at
the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie
says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." Me first!
Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world." Puff! She's gone. Me next! Me next!" says
the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's
gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I
also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered:
"Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why
don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey
pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

BullSh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a
large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by
and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay
there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how
warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to
sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird d singing
and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

30 Funniest Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.

To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

Top 10 Greatest Impostors in History

Victor Lustig, the man who sold the Eiffel Tower

Victor Lustig (1890-1947) is held to have been
one of the most talented confidence tricksters
who ever lived. Lustig's first con involved selling
a $30,000 money-printing machine that didn't worked well.

In 1925, Lustig's master con began when he was reading a newspaper: an article discussed the problems the city was having maintaining the Eiffel Tower. So he adopted the persona of a government official, and sent six scrap metal dealers an invitation to discuss a possible business deal.

Lustig told the group that the upkeep on the Eiffel Tower was so outrageous that the city could not maintain it any longer, and wanted to sell it for scrap. So he sold the Eiffel Tower to one of the scrap metal dealers and took a train to Vienna with the suitcase full of cash. The buyer was too humiliated to complain to the police.

Later, Lustig convinced Al Capone to invest $40,000 in a stock deal. Lustig kept Capone's money in a safe deposit box for two months, then returned it to him, claiming that the deal had fallen through. Impressed with Lustig's integrity, Capone gave him $5,000. It was, of course, all that Lustig was after.

On 1907, Lustig arrived to the United States and conducted a number of scams, but eventually his luck ran out: he was arrested for counterfeiting and sent to Alcatraz prison.

Frank Abagnale, catch me if you can

Frank William Abagnale, Jr. (born April 27, 1948) was an impostor for five years in the 1960s. His first con was writing checks on his own overdrawn account. Then he printed out his own, almost perfect copies of checks. He also collected over US$40,000 by printing his account number on blank bank deposit slips and added them to the stack of real blank slips in the bank.

For a period of two years, Abagnale masqueraded as Pan Am pilot "Frank Williams", to get free rides around the world by dead heading on scheduled airline flights. Later, he impersonated a pediatrician for 11 months in a Georgia hospital under the name "Frank Williams". He also forged a Harvard University Law diploma, passed the bar exam of Louisiana and got a job at the office of the State Attorney General of Louisiana.

Over 5 years he worked under 8 identities, though he used many more to cash checks, and passed bad checks worth over $2,5 million in 26 countries. The money was used for a lifestyle in which he dated flight attendants, ate at expensive restaurants, bought expensive clothing, and prepared for his next con.

The movie "Catch Me If You Can" is loosely based on his exploits. He currently runs Abagnale and Associates, a financial fraud consultancy company.

Christopher Rocancourt, the french Rockefeller

Christophe Thierry Rocancourt (1967-) is an impostor and con artist who scammed affluent people by masquerading as a French member of the Rockefeller family.

His mother worked as a prostitute and his father was an alcoholic who took Christophe to an orphanage when the boy was 5. He ran away and made his way to Paris where he pulled his first big con: faking the deed to a property he didn't own, then "selling" the property for $1,4 million.

Making his way to the United States, Rocancourt used at least a dozen aliases. In Los Angeles, he pretended to be a movie producer, boxing champion or venture capitalist. He dropped names like "his mother" Sophia Loren or "his uncles" Oscar de la Renta and Dino de Laurentiis and was associated with various celebrities. He married Playboy model Pía Reyes; they had a son, Zeus. He lived for a time with Mickey Rourke.

In Canada, Rocancourt wrote an autobiography in which he ridiculed his victims. In March 2002 he was extradited to New York. He pled guilty to 3 of 11 different charges including theft, grand larceny, smuggling, bribery and perjury. He estimated that he "made" at least $40 million.

Ferdinand Demara, the Great Impostor

Ferdinand Waldo Demara (1921-1982), known as "the Great Impostor", masqueraded as many people from monks to surgeons to prison wardens.

He joined the U.S. Army in 1941 and began his new lives by borrowing the name of his army buddy Anthony Ignolia and went AWOL. He then faked his suicide and borrowed another name, Robert Linton French, and became a religiously-oriented psychologist. Both Navy and Army caught him eventually and he served 18 months in prison.

A string of pseudo-academic careers followed. He was, among other things, a civil engineer, a sheriff's deputy, an assistant prison warden, a doctor of applied psychology, a hospital orderly, a lawyer, a child-care expert, a Benedictine monk, a Trappist monk, an editor, a cancer researcher, and a teacher. One teaching job led to a six months in prison. He never seemed to get much monetary gain in what he was doing - just temporary respectability.

His most famous exploit was to masquerade as surgeon Joseph Cyr about HMCS Cayuga, a Canadian Navy destroyer, during the Korean War. He managed to improvise successful surgeries and fend off infection with generous amounts of penicillin. This worked until the mother of the real Dr. Joseph Cyr found out and reported it.

Demara returned to the U.S., inspired the 1960 film "The Great Imposter", and died on 1982 as a Baptist minister.

David Hampton, less than Six Degrees of Separation from Sidney Poitier

David Hampton (1964-2003) was an African-American con artist. Unable to gain entry at Studio 54, Hampton assumed the identity of Sidney Poitier's son and was suddenly ushered in as celebrity.

Hampton began employing the persona of "David Poitier" to cadge free meals in restaurants. He then persuaded at least a dozen people into letting him stay with them in their homes or to give him money, including Melanie Griffith, Gary Sinise, and Calvin Klein. He told some of them that he was a friend of their children, some that he had just missed his plane to Los Angeles and that all his luggage was on it, some that his belongings had been stolen.

On 1983, Hampton was arrested and convicted for his frauds and was ordered to pay restitution of $4,490 to his various victims. His story became the inspiration for a play and later a movie, titled "Six Degrees of Separation". David Hampton died of AIDS-related complications in 2003.

Milli Vanilli, the pop duo who couldn't sing

Milli Vanilli was a pop vocal duo composed of Fab Morvan and Rob Pilatus that formed in Germany in the mid-1980s.

Milli Vanilli started to grow worldwide as of 1988 and won the Grammy Award for Best New Artist on 1990. But in the same year, during a 'live' performance recorded by MTV at the Lake Compounce theme park in Connecticut, the recording of the song "Girl You Know It's True" jammed and began to skip, resulting in one of the most embarrassing moments in popular music history.

So the truth was revealed: the Milli Vanilli sound was actually created by Frank Farian featuring the vocal talents of other singers, and Morvan and Pilatus did not sing at all on the records.

After this, the Grammy Award they received was stripped from them, and at least 26 different lawsuits were filed under various U.S. consumer fraud protection laws against Pilatus, Morvan and Arista Records.

Cassie Chadwick, the illegitimate daughter of Andrew Carnegie

Cassie Chadwick (1857-1907) is the most famous name of a Canadian woman born as Elizabeth Bigley. At the age of 22 she was arrested in Woodstock, Ontario for forgery but released on grounds of insanity. In 1882 she married Wallace Springsteen in Cleveland, Ohio; her husband threw her out eleven days later when he found out about her past. In Cleveland, she married a Dr. Chadwick.

In 1897, Cassie began her largest, most successful con game: that of establishing herself as Andrew Carnegie's daughter. She faked a promissory note of $2 million with Carnegie's signature. The information leaked to the financial markets in northern Ohio, and banks begun to offer their services. For the next eight years she used this fake background to obtain loans that eventually totaled between $10 and 20 million.

When Carnegie was later asked about her, he denied ever knowing her: the scheme collapsed, she was arrested and the trial was a media circus. She died in jail.

Mary Baker, the Princess Caraboo from the island of Javasu

On 1817, a cobbler in England, met an apparently disoriented young woman with exotic clothes who was speaking a language no one could understand. Locals brought many foreigners who tried to find out what strange language the lady was talking, until a Portuguese sailor "translated" her story: she was Princess Caraboo from the island of Javasu in the Indian Ocean. She had been captured by pirates, then jumped overboard in the Bristol Channel and swam ashore.

For the next ten weeks, this representative of exotic royalty was a favourite of the local dignataries. She used a bow and arrow, fenced, swam naked and prayed to God, whom she termed Allah Tallah. She acquired exotic clothing and a portrait made of her was reproduced in local newspapers.

Eventually the truth came out: she was actually a cobbler's daughter, Mary Baker, from Devon. She had been a servant girl in various places all over England but had not found a place to stay. She had invented a fictitious language out of imaginary and gypsy words and created an exotic character.

She continued her role in the USA, France and Spain without the same luck. Her story was the basis of the 1994 movie "Princess Caraboo", written by John Wells.

Wilhelm Voigt, the amusing Captain of Köpenick

Wilhelm Voigt (1849-1922) was a German impostor who masqueraded as a Prussian military officer in 1906 and became famous as the Captain of Köpenick.

On 1906 he had purchased parts of used captain's uniforms and, once in Köpenick, he went to the local army barracks, stopped four grenadiers and a sergeant on their way back to barracks and told them to come with him. Indoctrinated to obey officers without question, they followed.

He had the town secretary Rosenkranz and Mayor Georg Langerhans arrested for suspicions of crooked bookkeeping and confiscated 4000 marks and 70 pfennigs - with a receipt, of course. Then he commandeered two carriages and told the grenadiers to take the Mayor and the treasurer Wiltberg to Berlin to General Moltke for interrogation. He told the remaining guards to stand in their places for half an hour and then left for the train station. In the train he changed to civilian clothes and slipped out.

Voigt was arrested and sentenced to four years in prison for forgery, impersonating an officer and wrongful imprisonment. However, much of the public opinion was on his side. German Kaiser Wilhelm II pardoned him on 1908. There are some claims that even the Kaiser had been amused by the incident.

George Psalmanazar, the first Formosan to visit Europe

George Psalmanazar (1679-1763) claimed to be the first Formosan to visit Europe. He appeared in Northern Europe, around the year 1700. He looked European but claimed he came from the faraway island of Formosa, followed a foreign calendar and worshipped the Sun and the Moon.

Psalmanazar published a book An Historical and Geographical Description of Formosa, an Island subject to the Emperor of Japan which revealed a number of strange habits. Formosa was a prosperous country of wealth with capital city called Xternetsa. Men walked naked except for a gold or silver plate to cover their privates. Their main food was a serpent that they hunt with branches. Formosans were polygamous and the husband had a right to eat their wives for infidelity. They executed murderers by hanging them upside down and shooting them full of arrows. Annually they sacrificed the hearts of 18,000 young boys to gods and priests ate the bodies. They also used horses and camels for mass transportation. The book also described the Formosan alphabet.

The book was rather successful. He lectured on Formosan culture and language and pretended to translate religious literature into Formosan. The Bishop of London supported him. He spoke before the Royal Society. Eventually, he grew tired of the deception: in 1706 he confessed, first to friends and then in public.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle,
when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the
mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some
items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly
picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and
proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the
students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into
the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students
responded' with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under
the table and poured the entire contents into the jar
effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things--your family, your
children, your health, your friends and your favourite
passions---and if everything else was lost and only they
remained,your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job,
your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put
the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room
for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you
will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will
always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take
care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may
seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Monday, January 08, 2007

This Year's Idiots Awards

In case you haven't received them yet, here are this year's
Idiots Awards - the annual honor given to the person who
improved the "gene pool" the most by killing themselves in
the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition
this year has been keen.

And the candidates this year are . . .

* In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two
feet of water after squeezing head first through an
18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

* A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran,"--accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high
cliff on his daily run.

* Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burglarising.Death was caused when the long flashlight he
had placed in his mouth(to keep his hands free) rammed into the
base of his skull as he hit the floor.

* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville as he
won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver
loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.


* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalised in Andover township, NJ,
and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of
dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around 2 AM , the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the
window to see what would happen,but apparently failed to
notice the window was closed.


* TACOMA , WA Kerry Bingham had been drinking with
several friends when one of them said they knew a person
who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated
and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge
at 4:30 AM .
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered
that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had
continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil
of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was
secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to
the bridge.His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened
and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived
his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two
nearby fishermen.
"All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching
out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation
for it." Bingham's foot was never located.


* Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt
(Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22
doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm
finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200
pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting
to give th ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the
relieved beast unloaded on him.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation
knocked Mr.Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his
head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued
to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted
Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. '
With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung
for atleast an hour before a watchman came along, and during
that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those
freak accidents that proves that
"Sh*t happens!*

Thursday, January 04, 2007

90-year-old man

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup. The doctor
asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an
eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a child.

What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment, then said,
"Well, let me tell you a story.
I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for
hunting.But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he
accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near
a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some brush in front
of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and
squeezes the handle.
BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone
else must have shot that lion."

"Exactly"... Said the Doc