Kulula

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg.
Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of
your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us
the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

-------o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

-----o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the
Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

>From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 245 to Calgary.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your
face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one
small child, pick your favourite."

---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."

---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants.. Please do not leave children or spouses."

-------o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines
is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---------o0o---

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

----------o0o---

Overheard on an Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really
having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please
remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"

----------o0o---

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
to
the terminal."

---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline.
He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why,
no,
Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o---

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning
bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."

---o0o---

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

---o0o---
Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to
smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can
light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

---o0o---

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The
weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight.
Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOSH!" Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on The intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking
to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!